Self Sabotage

I cannot stop, I feel as if I have been hit by a bus but I cannot stop, because if I stop I’ll think about things and if I think about things I won’t be able to keep going. Is it even worth it? I feel like I am getting nowhere, my mind is in pieces and just when I think I’ve finally cracked the puzzle more pieces get dumped on top of me.

I don’t seem to fit anymore, I can’t find that passion that fuels me, I don’t know where I belong anymore. I wanted to give answers to those people who are going through similar things from my past. But I am not healthy, I don’t have answers, and I definitely do not feel better; pain is all I feel.

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The Cocoon

Wrapped inside a great cocoon,

With no way to tell the sun from the moon,

Cannot feel the wind on my face,

Or the rain soaking through me as I run with haste.

Stagnant inside with nothing to do,

Cannot escape what I’m going through,

I have to stay still in this place,

The process is not a race.

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The Bad Place

Right now I am in a really bad place, it seems like no matter what I do I am hearing that anxiety voice stronger than ever, I started writing as a way to help me heal and the voice is louder here than anywhere else. It’s given me a sort of writer’s block like no other, I have about four posts sitting in my draft folder right now waiting to be finished.

I don’t have the patience or the energy right now to do any of them, this voice is here at the moment telling me no matter how much I try that it will always win the fight, even as I decorate my house it keeps telling me that no matter what I do this house will always be the one I had two miscarriages in.Read More »

Waiting

I feel like I’ve just been waiting for everything, I wait to get pregnant, I wait to get better, and I just wait for my life to begin. Why do I wait? I think it’s because I’m scared to take the leap, I have many times after breakdowns, but it always ends up the same way. I jump in and end up worse off but how am I going to get better unless I take the steps?

It’s daunting that I am so scared to start living again, so scared to move forward, what if I have a breakdown again? But what if I don’t? Am I scared to go there because I could have a breakdown or am I scared of progress? I think the real answer is I am scared of everything when my life doesn’t go how I picture I seem to freeze.

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Steep Learning Curve

It has been complete chaos in my house this past week, I’ve had to deal with builders, electricians, landlords, neighbours, and more on a day to day basis. I’ve had to converse with people I don’t know which is one of my biggest triggers with my mental health, I’ve been on a very steep learning curve when it comes to interacting with them, and I’m not quite sure how I’m handling it.

It’s all for the greater good, I will finally have my bathroom fixed after four years of complaining, I will finally have working heating installed, and I can finally stop spending around £60 a week on electricity in winter. Hopefully, I won’t have to move to another house after looking for almost a year, and I can stop worrying about attending a property tribunal.Read More »

Thoughts Against Talking

Today is Time to Talk Day which encourages everyone to talk about Mental Health or whatever is on there mind, this gets awareness out there as well as being great for acceptance on this issue. I thought I would dedicate today to those thoughts I have that hold me back from speaking my mind and try to understand them a little better.

No one will believe you

It’s safe to say that this is not a hard one to figure out, I have had a lot of people in my life not believe me, my fear of missing out turned into my parents accusing me of taking drugs, my breakdown led to drinking heavily as a cry for help but my parents wouldn’t believe the worst things my abusive ex did to me.Read More »

The Demon Within

You are always here,

Whispering in my ear,

Saying all the things I fear,

Until I’m nothing but a single tear.

Confirming every bad thought,

You make me sick with rot,

Shame and guilt are all you’ve brought,

Until I feel all but nought.

Telling me nothing but lies,

Until all I can do is despise,

I beg for some allies,

But all I can do is apologise.

The thoughts keep me twisted inside,

I turn to run and hide,

But all I can is agonise,

As the ship around me starts to capsize.