It feels as though I let you all down,
The grey cloud above the perfect town,
A caterpillar who won’t become a butterfly,
Silent nothings that haunt your battle cry.
Patches of frost on newly bloomed rose,
A tiny hole in your beautiful new clothes,
The ugly duck in a lake filled with swans,
Decaying rust that muddies antique bronze.
It has been a year since my last miscarriage, tests from Tommys keep being pushed back every few months, in this time I have kept hoping that we will find the problem but after a year it’s being to feel hopeless.
I’m another year older than I was, another year with terrible mental health, and I honestly feel that I have achieved nothing. That’s not true, however, so I thought I’d list my achievements none the less.
I’ve been adrift for a long time,
Without any reason or rhyme,
Deserted amongst the normal,
Wearing jeans to a black-tie formal.Read More »
The sun shone on the crystal loch,
A boat sailed out of the dock,
Waves crashed against the shore,
The perfect Cove to explore.
Tonight I say goodbye,
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,
This room connects me to a happy time,
But most of my stay here has been an uphill climb.
It was almost a month ago when she asked me to stop talking about my mental health, which has totally thrown me when I talk about my mental health on my blog a lot.
It’s sort of made me freeze up when it comes to what I am going to talk about here, yes I can talk about other aspects of my life, or what I’ve been through, but I’m still not quite sure what to do.Read More »
I have been staring at a fork in the road for a long time, I am scared to go down any of those roads I have built inside my head, just hoping that one day I will eventually make a decision. I am starting to get tired of all that staring, and I just want to make a decision already.
That, however, is not how recovery works, I could still be at this impasse for a very long time. Instead of forcing myself to make a decision about my life I need to know that it’s ok to stay here, as long as I focus on my recovery.Read More »
She can see the sadness of her new face,
It’s as visible as a tear on newly embroidered lace,
No matter how much she laughs and smiles,
The lady’s face still shows the bitter trials.
Her grief is standing by her side,
Some days she can take it in her stride,
To harness it within her own art,
Before it returns to rip her apart.
Just wanted to add here that I’m taking time away due to an unexpected death in the family, I have to spend my time elsewhere at the moment but I will be back once everything has settled down.
I still haven’t really come to terms with it and have been in denial since I got the news. I am really not in a place right now where I can write about it, and the family still don’t have any idea what the full story is.
I can’t really say much else as I am still pretty shaken by it, but I thought I’d explain my absence.
Thanks for reading,
Em.
I’ve been wanting to talk about this day since it happened, but it’s really hard to talk about it without a little bit of perspective. It also doesn’t really help that the entire season was very hard for me, even now on a good day I am still fighting to stop feeling like this, the season of grief has truly gotten me down.
The important thing is I got through this very hard day, I knew it was going to be difficult but even then it subverted my expectations, to the point where I wish I had acted so much sooner. I knew how I wanted to spend the day, but through obligation, guilt, and a sprinkling of self-loathing I didn’t know how to ask for it.
