Today is Time to Talk Day which encourages everyone to talk about Mental Health or whatever is on there mind, this gets awareness out there as well as being great for acceptance on this issue. I thought I would dedicate today to those thoughts I have that hold me back from speaking my mind and try to understand them a little better.
No one will believe you
It’s safe to say that this is not a hard one to figure out, I have had a lot of people in my life not believe me, my fear of missing out turned into my parents accusing me of taking drugs, my breakdown led to drinking heavily as a cry for help but my parents wouldn’t believe the worst things my abusive ex did to me.Read More »
You are always here,
Whispering in my ear,
Saying all the things I fear,
Until I’m nothing but a single tear.
Confirming every bad thought,
You make me sick with rot,
Shame and guilt are all you’ve brought,
Until I feel all but nought.
Telling me nothing but lies,
Until all I can do is despise,
I beg for some allies,
But all I can do is apologise.
The thoughts keep me twisted inside,
I turn to run and hide,
But all I can is agonise,
As the ship around me starts to capsize.
I’ve been thinking about this concept for the past few days, it may have to do with my rewatch of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in anticipation of its finale, or the much-anticipated sequel to the film, but are people really unbreakable? What does it say about us (myself included) who feel rather broken, are we to learn from those moments, should we really strive to be unbreakable?
To be honest, I would absolutely love to think of myself as unbreakable, the woman who refused to break after abuse, rape, recurrent miscarriage, and poor mental health. But I’m really not, I’ve struggled to remake my broken shell on a number of occasions, and although seeing myself as being unbreakable appeals to me very much, it also takes away from my struggle.
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This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.
I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.
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I wish I could ignore you,
Like a piece of gum stuck to my shoe,
But you are everywhere all the time,
You grow and you feed off my exhausted mind.
Telling me everything that is wrong,
Drowning on about a tale so long,
Embarrassing me in every situation,
As you remind me of that time I fell at the station.Read More »
For weeks I have been trying to write this post, I only manage to just get through it and then I delete everything in its entirety. I didn’t understand why it would be so hard to speak about, I speak about a lot of topics that would be considered harder to talk about, but then I realised it was because I was ashamed of backsliding.
I have been doing so well recently, taking the steps to tackle my traumas, and I just didn’t want to admit that I had let myself down. I was going back to old habits, not taking care of myself as I usually would, and becoming withdrawn. I became scared to comment on any other blogs or anyone going through a hard time on Twitter because I’d forgotten how to help people having a bad day.Read More »
I drift along in a world so grey,
Surrounding by the stench of decay,
I twist and turn at the hands of a master,
My own one-woman disaster.
Kept up at night by vagrant thoughts,
Turning myself into literal knots,
Paranoia grows inside of me,
Until all the voices agree.Read More »