I’m not ok.

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Today marks the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week, this is always honestly really hard for me as it brings up memories at the wrong time of year as it takes place between miscarriage number two and three.

For those of you that don’t know I nearly died from the second triggering a change of events which lead to a PTSD diagnosis, the first anniversary of my third was just last month, so right now I feel like I can’t get a break from it.

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Fear becomes Reality.

Stiff and broken the tree falls in the river,

Dead silence comes with a silent quiver.

A vast nothing with no one to mourn,

To be depressed or to feel torn.

There’s no one left in the world to fear,

No need to cower at every strange noise I hear,

Or the terror that comes when using my voice,

Almost as if I want to stand up and rejoice.Read More »

12 Months

It has been a year since my last miscarriage, tests from Tommys keep being pushed back every few months, in this time I have kept hoping that we will find the problem but after a year it’s being to feel hopeless.

I’m another year older than I was, another year with terrible mental health, and I honestly feel that I have achieved nothing. That’s not true, however, so I thought I’d list my achievements none the less.

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Am I Jenny of Oldstones?

For those of you who have seen Game of Thrones or are a Florance + the Machine fan you may know the reference to Jenny of Oldstones, for those of you that don’t let me explain.

Jenny of Oldstones is basically someone who went through the great tragedy of losing not only her husband but also her son in a great fire, many other casualties were also taken and when it all was said and done she decided to live on in her burnt castle.

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To my third child.

I’d like to start by saying sorry for not being as active, I’ve been rather down about Mothers Day, which has been seriously affecting my mood and almost two weeks later it is now the due date for the child I miscarried back in September.

The darkness has swallowed me up these past few weeks, to a point where I can’t do anything but sit in a darkened room staring into space, I can’t be of any help to anyone right now

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My Mothers Day

I will not get a card from my kids today,

No flowers will be delivered on this Mothering Sunday,

I will not wake up to breakfast in bed,

This day will always be one I completely dread.

I will not receive the customary perfume,

My day will be filled with constant doom and gloom,

I will not hear that I am the best mother in the world,

Choosing to stay on the cold floor broken and curled.

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