Anxiety comes back with a BANG!!!!

Yesterday I felt pretty good, I was worried about the suicidal feelings I had during my bought of depression, but I felt extremely euphoric. Mostly in part because my partner who has been working away a lot lately will be back home 80% of the time now, and mostly because I’d stopped feeling so empty.

When I woke up today I instantly started some heavy cleaning, not just in one room but the whole house, next thing I know I’m covered in sweat and severely dehydrated so I decided to take a shower. Now the bathroom is not a good place for me, and it rivals darkness when it comes to my panic attacks and flashbacks, but I’m so determined today that I’m positive I can do it.

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Forever still

The world keeps turning,

but I remain forever still.

People move around me,

as I remain frozen still.

Life goes on without me,

as the cement hardens around my feet.

The waves rush by me,

as I sink forever into the deep.

Children grow in front of me,

as I age and decompose;

my life forever more.

Smile

You think that I’m happy,

Just because I smile.

You don’t know what’s inside,

Because that’s my style.

You can’t see the trauma,

You can’t see the scars,

You can’t see me curled upon the floor,

You can’t see me hiding from the chapped door,

You can’t see,

All you can see is my smile.

My Backstory of Friendship

I feel like it is important to share my story along the way, this time; instead of focusing on what contributed to my mental health, I’d like to focus on the topic of Friendship. These relationships really do affect our mental health in multiple ways, and I feel that it is important to highlight this issue for people who may not understand just how important it can be.

I thought I was lucky when I was younger as I had a huge group of friends, but I was never allowed out the house very much, and I had to live with the prospect of missing out on everything. When I got to a certain age where I could sneak out, lie about my whereabouts, or generally not care about pleasing my mother it all started to derail.

I think its also important to explain that before all this happened a friend of mine, whom I knew since I was twelve slept with my first serious boyfriend, I had strong feelings for him but looking back on it he was a total dufus, and I walked in on them kissing each other the morning after. After that, I started to question everything about my life, who could I trust?

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Just a muddle of insane.

There is just a muddle of thoughts in my brain,

it tends to drown me out until I go insane.

As I walk to the shop by the lane,

the obsessive thoughts they drive me insane.

As I stop and smile at your wayne,

my brain is driving me insane.

As I smile and hide the pain,

the different voices are driving me insane.

My thoughts are my bane,

and they drive me insane.

Not Good Enough

I’m not good enough for you,
You cannot see me.

I’m not good enough for you,
The letter is my proof.

I’m not good enough for you,
My condition is lacking.

I’m not good enough for you,
I am a statistic.

I’m not good enough for you,
You didn’t listen.

I’m not good enough for you,
The response was so clear.

I’m not good enough for you,
Now you have caused me great fear.