Tales of Greats

There was once a great calm,

As the world would sing the Psalm,

When I thought they knew it all,

But it was my destiny to fall.

I heard tales of the true greats,

The ones who suffered dire straits,

The Kings who rose to retake their land,

The peasants who suffered at greeds hand.Read More »

Why I didn’t report

With Donald Trump not believing women of sexual abuse for taking a time or not reporting I thought it was time to tell my own story in detail, what happened after, and why it took me so long to open afterwards. I gave a short explanation to this on Twitter and I wrote about it on here but I think its very important to talk about why I didn’t report the rape or sexual assault I experienced.

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I’m not ok!

The last few days I’ve been battling away, I’m scared to go outside, scared to stay inside, sick to my core. I’m tired of being alone and scared to be around others. When people are around me I instinctively act as if I’m ok, but on Friday I went shopping and it was too busy, so busy in fact that I hurt my hands by gripping onto the shopping cart.Read More »

Is Social Media Toxic?

On Sunday I decided to take a little break from social media, I’m always amazed when it gets to an unhealthy point because social media makes me feel less isolated, but the past few days have been an eye opener at how unhealthy it can be.

It always starts when I begin to compare my life to others, I’ve been very isolated and it always makes me feel worse about myself. I begin to put my little triumphs down, “You went for a coffee on a weekday, why are you feeling proud of a thing most people do every day?”

Then I force myself to do things because everyone else can do them, I forced myself to go the biggest Highland show, be constantly sandwiched by people, and then I had a breakdown next to the crafting tent.

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There are a few subjects I haven’t spoken to my therapist about, we’ve covered the domestic abuse I’ve faced in great length, we’ve covered my narcissist and occasionally abusive mother, having two disabled parents to look after and the constant role reversal that comes with it, and finally the time a friend went too far.

What we haven’t spoken about in almost nine months of therapy, is my miscarriage. The event that led me straight back to therapy, because I just can’t talk about it. Every session I tell myself I’ll be able to do it, it’s not like I haven’t balled my eyes out over unresolved issues, but I just cannot understand why I cannot talk about it.

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Some of you might know that I was harassed a few days ago, it was on my own personal Instagram, and my email; probably a complete troll. It affected me, it started to make me feel paranoid, why did he have my email? How did he get it? It triggered a horrible flashback, and my anxiety went into complete overdrive.

It’s important to state that beforehand I felt great, my partner came home finally after spending ten working weeks away from home, we could finally spend some proper time together, and I could go back to a normal(ish) sleep pattern. Then it happened, several messages followed by several sensitive images, and one very long and creepy email.

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