Christmas Past (Part Two)

Today we continue our look into the Christmases of my past, in order to remember the good moments and the lessons learned throughout the years.

Christmas with Granny

When I was growing up my granny was my very favourite person, she always had a hug and a cake for me, and stood up for me when I needed it. One year she came to Christmas Dinner when I was four, I was really excited because I loved my granny, but also so I could show off my Minnie mouse roller skates.

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Misery

I wish I could ignore you,

Like a piece of gum stuck to my shoe,

But you are everywhere all the time,

You grow and you feed off my exhausted mind.

Telling me everything that is wrong,

Drowning on about a tale so long,

Embarrassing me in every situation,

As you remind me of that time I fell at the station.Read More »

Christmas Past

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The holidays come with a huge weight of grief for me, but it wasn’t always this way, I used to love this time of year so much. From the first of December, I would be singing carols to myself, smiling at all the Christmas cheer, and taking part in every holiday-related activity I could think of.

The past three years have been different, too different for my liking, I complain about the season now more than ever. Before it was never about the presents but about the company of loved ones, now it is something I am trying to ignore as much as possible. The stress of it sends my mental health into a tailspin and before I know it I can’t leave the house

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Christmas Market

Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.

I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.

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December

Today marks the start of a very hard month for me, December is all about family, to the point that I see it everywhere. Friends and Family with there children go out and celebrate, and I just feel like the unlucky hag who ruins the fun for everyone else. The spurned who doesn’t yet have the privilege of having her own children, and brings everyone down with my grief.

As I write this I burst into tears as I think of what I could have had, but I don’t have it, and I might not ever have it. If it can’t happen for me what adoption company is going to give a baby to a mother with mental health problems? December already has me questioning everything, so you know it’s going to be a hard month.Read More »

The Anniversary Reaction

For weeks I have been trying to write this post, I only manage to just get through it and then I delete everything in its entirety. I didn’t understand why it would be so hard to speak about, I speak about a lot of topics that would be considered harder to talk about, but then I realised it was because I was ashamed of backsliding.

I have been doing so well recently, taking the steps to tackle my traumas, and I just didn’t want to admit that I had let myself down. I was going back to old habits, not taking care of myself as I usually would, and becoming withdrawn. I became scared to comment on any other blogs or anyone going through a hard time on Twitter because I’d forgotten how to help people having a bad day.Read More »

It’s hard!

Right now I have no motivation to do anything, I am forcing myself to write this right now as I do not think I have the energy to even get through this post. You may have noticed I haven’t been posting as much as I usually do, that is because of the voice in my head that is drowning out every other thought.

I feel like I don’t matter, who wants to hear my ramblings when I don’t even want to acknowledge them? I don’t want to think about the grey cloud that is seeping the life out of me, I don’t want to acknowledge that because of the anniversary I have reverted back to that place. It’s understandable as I’ve been pushing myself lately, but I just feel that now I’ve let everyone down.

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