I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first started this blog, it feels like no time has passed yet so many things have happened since I posted my first poem a year ago today. I have had many ups and many downs, I have fought every day against my mental health and some days I have won that particular battle.
I have taken so many steps to get better, been pushed back by events but I keep going, which is what I am going to focus on today. I get back up, after everything I’ve been through I always get back up, and today of all days I should be proud of my achievements. To some, they may look tiny but to me, every one of them feels like a giant stride.
I’m still here, still writing, and taking it one day at a time.
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Right now I am in a really bad place, it seems like no matter what I do I am hearing that anxiety voice stronger than ever, I started writing as a way to help me heal and the voice is louder here than anywhere else. It’s given me a sort of writer’s block like no other, I have about four posts sitting in my draft folder right now waiting to be finished.
I don’t have the patience or the energy right now to do any of them, this voice is here at the moment telling me no matter how much I try that it will always win the fight, even as I decorate my house it keeps telling me that no matter what I do this house will always be the one I had two miscarriages in.Read More »
I feel like I’ve just been waiting for everything, I wait to get pregnant, I wait to get better, and I just wait for my life to begin. Why do I wait? I think it’s because I’m scared to take the leap, I have many times after breakdowns, but it always ends up the same way. I jump in and end up worse off but how am I going to get better unless I take the steps?
It’s daunting that I am so scared to start living again, so scared to move forward, what if I have a breakdown again? But what if I don’t? Am I scared to go there because I could have a breakdown or am I scared of progress? I think the real answer is I am scared of everything when my life doesn’t go how I picture I seem to freeze.
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I walk through life in a haze,
Running through a never-ending maze,
Ignoring what’s in front of me,
With these eyes, I cannot see.
Stumbling through the dark,
Trying to find the light,
The one single spark,
That can save me from the plight.Read More »
It has been complete chaos in my house this past week, I’ve had to deal with builders, electricians, landlords, neighbours, and more on a day to day basis. I’ve had to converse with people I don’t know which is one of my biggest triggers with my mental health, I’ve been on a very steep learning curve when it comes to interacting with them, and I’m not quite sure how I’m handling it.
It’s all for the greater good, I will finally have my bathroom fixed after four years of complaining, I will finally have working heating installed, and I can finally stop spending around £60 a week on electricity in winter. Hopefully, I won’t have to move to another house after looking for almost a year, and I can stop worrying about attending a property tribunal.Read More »
Today is Time to Talk Day which encourages everyone to talk about Mental Health or whatever is on there mind, this gets awareness out there as well as being great for acceptance on this issue. I thought I would dedicate today to those thoughts I have that hold me back from speaking my mind and try to understand them a little better.
No one will believe you
It’s safe to say that this is not a hard one to figure out, I have had a lot of people in my life not believe me, my fear of missing out turned into my parents accusing me of taking drugs, my breakdown led to drinking heavily as a cry for help but my parents wouldn’t believe the worst things my abusive ex did to me.Read More »
At times I feel I could heal the world, but these come fewer and far between. I want to march out on the street to protest so many issues, highlight the injustice all around the Planet and challenge the way we all think about issues. But I don’t know what I am doing, honestly, I feel like I am the one screaming into the void and hiding from everyone.
I could explain how broken I am but I can’t quite do that, it’s really the hardest thing I could ever put into words, but I am a writer so it really should be easy, right? It’s not easy in the slightest to understand how you feel in your own head without all the background noise that comes with anxiety.Read More »
Last night I went to write about the effects of seasonal affective disorder and this short story just flew right out of me. I’m not usually one to share this type of post or even writing short stories in the first place but I thought I would post this anyway as it seemed important to write about this from another perspective.
I hope it’s not too terrible.
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For once the land reflects how I feel,
Like boiling water on frozen steel,
I cannot see another thing,
Finally alone my soul could sing.
The street could be full of dark creatures,
Be hosting a late night feature,
You would never be able to tell,
For I’ve never seen mist so swell.
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When we were fearless,
The days became tearless,
It felt like it was finally our time,
Our life became sublime.
There was sheer magic in the air,
I could walk the land without care,
Skipping along with every step,
Full of some unordinary pep.
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