Matilda

She inspired me at a time when I needed her, she felt just as alone as I did growing up, I couldn’t believe a man wrote a book that spoke to my soul at such a young age. Matilda made me want to be a writer, as a child I wanted to connect to other children who felt just as alone as I was, to spread hope that one day it’s going to be ok.

I have created characters in my head as long as I remember, wondering what’s going on inside peoples heads, and making up stories of what their lives could be like. I have been a writer my entire life, that little girl who can’t speak in front of others but leads a rich life inside her own head.

Read More »

Advertisements

Self Sabotage

I cannot stop, I feel as if I have been hit by a bus but I cannot stop, because if I stop I’ll think about things and if I think about things I won’t be able to keep going. Is it even worth it? I feel like I am getting nowhere, my mind is in pieces and just when I think I’ve finally cracked the puzzle more pieces get dumped on top of me.

I don’t seem to fit anymore, I can’t find that passion that fuels me, I don’t know where I belong anymore. I wanted to give answers to those people who are going through similar things from my past. But I am not healthy, I don’t have answers, and I definitely do not feel better; pain is all I feel.

Read More »

The Lady Prince is One!

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first started this blog, it feels like no time has passed yet so many things have happened since I posted my first poem a year ago today. I have had many ups and many downs, I have fought every day against my mental health and some days I have won that particular battle.

I have taken so many steps to get better, been pushed back by events but I keep going, which is what I am going to focus on today. I get back up, after everything I’ve been through I always get back up, and today of all days I should be proud of my achievements. To some, they may look tiny but to me, every one of them feels like a giant stride.

I’m still here, still writing, and taking it one day at a time.

Read More »

The Bad Place

Right now I am in a really bad place, it seems like no matter what I do I am hearing that anxiety voice stronger than ever, I started writing as a way to help me heal and the voice is louder here than anywhere else. It’s given me a sort of writer’s block like no other, I have about four posts sitting in my draft folder right now waiting to be finished.

I don’t have the patience or the energy right now to do any of them, this voice is here at the moment telling me no matter how much I try that it will always win the fight, even as I decorate my house it keeps telling me that no matter what I do this house will always be the one I had two miscarriages in.Read More »

My Christmas

I’ve been wanting to talk about this day since it happened, but it’s really hard to talk about it without a little bit of perspective. It also doesn’t really help that the entire season was very hard for me, even now on a good day I am still fighting to stop feeling like this, the season of grief has truly gotten me down.

The important thing is I got through this very hard day, I knew it was going to be difficult but even then it subverted my expectations, to the point where I wish I had acted so much sooner. I knew how I wanted to spend the day, but through obligation, guilt, and a sprinkling of self-loathing I didn’t know how to ask for it.

Read More »

Unbreakable

I’ve been thinking about this concept for the past few days, it may have to do with my rewatch of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in anticipation of its finale, or the much-anticipated sequel to the film, but are people really unbreakable? What does it say about us (myself included) who feel rather broken, are we to learn from those moments, should we really strive to be unbreakable?

To be honest, I would absolutely love to think of myself as unbreakable, the woman who refused to break after abuse, rape, recurrent miscarriage, and poor mental health. But I’m really not, I’ve struggled to remake my broken shell on a number of occasions, and although seeing myself as being unbreakable appeals to me very much, it also takes away from my struggle.

Read More »

2018

This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.


Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

Read More »