Today I had to take my cat to the vet to have his annual booster jag and his six monthly health check. Every time I go into the vets I always assume the worst is going to happen as if my cat is going to die on the table, but he didn’t. He was absolutely fine, just needs to go get his teeth cleaned in a few weeks.
Behind every action grief is underneath it all, some days I feel absolutely great and I think I’ve broken through. But grief is lying in wait, underneath all the happiness, it only takes something small to bring it out and then I feel like I am back in that room being told there is no baby. Hope is such a fickle thing, I don’t have any hope at all, it evaporated a long time ago.
I really didn’t want to go, I was really quiet on the way to the shops, didn’t want to gab with my Dad like I usually do, but I did it. I am feeling pretty agoraphobic right now, outside causes a lot of my problems but I didn’t keep my head in my phone as I always do, forcing myself to look at all the many beautiful colours that come with Autumn.
It’s hard to put this in words because its always in my head but I feel like a failure, I have a great idea and entire structure for a novel but I can’t seem to start it, I have the option of having friends but I can’t seem to reach out, I have the option to get married but I’m terrified of being surrounded by people, and I write on this blog but I think everything I write is garbage.
I went to the doctors on Tuesday this week to find out our options towards having a baby, as I was waiting in line to check in I saw a toddler crying at the door out of the waiting room, his grandmother had gone into her doctor’s appointment, and he was upset about it. As I looked at the toddler I felt a rush of happiness, for a moment I forgot that he was the same age as the child I could have had.
Listing all of my symptoms are starting to make me scared,
As I wait for my tribunal I am feeling unprepared,
Three illnesses are listed,
The assessor makes them twisted.
This is very hard for me, my mother basically raised me and looked after my blind Father at the same time. He was let go from work about a year after I was born, money was always tight during my entire childhood, and I was very much aware of it. For Christmas, I wouldn’t ask for much after I found out in Primary four that Santa was my parents, and I never expected anything on my birthday.