Fear has left my body stuck to the chair,

I have no reason to be held there,

Silence creeps throughout the realm,

As the terror grows stronger than an elm.

With no idea as to what is happening,

This dismay has become baffling,

Feeling trapped without means of escape,

Looking for a saviour with a red cape.

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12 Months

It has been a year since my last miscarriage, tests from Tommys keep being pushed back every few months, in this time I have kept hoping that we will find the problem but after a year it’s being to feel hopeless.

I’m another year older than I was, another year with terrible mental health, and I honestly feel that I have achieved nothing. That’s not true, however, so I thought I’d list my achievements none the less.

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This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.

Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

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Down the Rabbit hole.

I see a white blur past me in the distance,

It talks about time with a matter of persistence,

Without an ounce of any self-control,

I follow the blur straight down the rabbit hole.

Before I know it I am at the bottom of a large pit,

Which has never seen so much as the moonlit,

Its darkness seems to come from magic,

Following the poor soul whose life is nothing but tragic.

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The Trifecta of Mental Health

I am a bit out of sorts at the moment, stress has caused me to disappear into myself recently and I can’t seem to claw my way out of it. Everything is becoming a chore, even my beloved writing, and it feels like I am slowly falling off of the edge of a cliff. I don’t think I could effectively explain just how tired I have been lately, my world has slowed down, and everything requires maximum effort.

All I want to do is lie down, that is my life’s mission of late because if I can lie down my entire body doesn’t hurt. I could only explain it with Game of Thrones and its stone men; it honestly feels like my body is turning into stone and everything I do is extremely painful. My body is seizing up for an attack, I am not under any threat, but my body is waiting on the blow.

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