12 Months

It has been a year since my last miscarriage, tests from Tommys keep being pushed back every few months, in this time I have kept hoping that we will find the problem but after a year it’s being to feel hopeless.

I’m another year older than I was, another year with terrible mental health, and I honestly feel that I have achieved nothing. That’s not true, however, so I thought I’d list my achievements none the less.

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This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.

Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

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Down the Rabbit hole.

I see a white blur past me in the distance,

It talks about time with a matter of persistence,

Without an ounce of any self-control,

I follow the blur straight down the rabbit hole.

Before I know it I am at the bottom of a large pit,

Which has never seen so much as the moonlit,

Its darkness seems to come from magic,

Following the poor soul whose life is nothing but tragic.

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The Trifecta of Mental Health

I am a bit out of sorts at the moment, stress has caused me to disappear into myself recently and I can’t seem to claw my way out of it. Everything is becoming a chore, even my beloved writing, and it feels like I am slowly falling off of the edge of a cliff. I don’t think I could effectively explain just how tired I have been lately, my world has slowed down, and everything requires maximum effort.

All I want to do is lie down, that is my life’s mission of late because if I can lie down my entire body doesn’t hurt. I could only explain it with Game of Thrones and its stone men; it honestly feels like my body is turning into stone and everything I do is extremely painful. My body is seizing up for an attack, I am not under any threat, but my body is waiting on the blow.

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