It has been a year since my last miscarriage, tests from Tommys keep being pushed back every few months, in this time I have kept hoping that we will find the problem but after a year it’s being to feel hopeless.
I’m another year older than I was, another year with terrible mental health, and I honestly feel that I have achieved nothing. That’s not true, however, so I thought I’d list my achievements none the less.
I’ve been adrift for a long time,
Without any reason or rhyme,
Deserted amongst the normal,
Wearing jeans to a black-tie formal.Read More »
Trapped within despair,
Gulping to take in air,
Heaviness takes over a gaping chest,
Thoughts become obsessed.
Fear lingers around my soul,
Stopping me from becoming whole,
Throwing me into the giant mess,
Moments that I have long repressed.
For those of you who have seen Game of Thrones or are a Florance + the Machine fan you may know the reference to Jenny of Oldstones, for those of you that don’t let me explain.
Jenny of Oldstones is basically someone who went through the great tragedy of losing not only her husband but also her son in a great fire, many other casualties were also taken and when it all was said and done she decided to live on in her burnt castle.
It was almost a month ago when she asked me to stop talking about my mental health, which has totally thrown me when I talk about my mental health on my blog a lot.
It’s sort of made me freeze up when it comes to what I am going to talk about here, yes I can talk about other aspects of my life, or what I’ve been through, but I’m still not quite sure what to do.Read More »
I have been staring at a fork in the road for a long time, I am scared to go down any of those roads I have built inside my head, just hoping that one day I will eventually make a decision. I am starting to get tired of all that staring, and I just want to make a decision already.
That, however, is not how recovery works, I could still be at this impasse for a very long time. Instead of forcing myself to make a decision about my life I need to know that it’s ok to stay here, as long as I focus on my recovery.Read More »
She can see the sadness of her new face,
It’s as visible as a tear on newly embroidered lace,
No matter how much she laughs and smiles,
The lady’s face still shows the bitter trials.
Her grief is standing by her side,
Some days she can take it in her stride,
To harness it within her own art,
Before it returns to rip her apart.
She inspired me at a time when I needed her, she felt just as alone as I did growing up, I couldn’t believe a man wrote a book that spoke to my soul at such a young age. Matilda made me want to be a writer, as a child I wanted to connect to other children who felt just as alone as I was, to spread hope that one day it’s going to be ok.
I have created characters in my head as long as I remember, wondering what’s going on inside peoples heads, and making up stories of what their lives could be like. I have been a writer my entire life, that little girl who can’t speak in front of others but leads a rich life inside her own head.
I’d like to start by saying sorry for not being as active, I’ve been rather down about Mothers Day, which has been seriously affecting my mood and almost two weeks later it is now the due date for the child I miscarried back in September.
The darkness has swallowed me up these past few weeks, to a point where I can’t do anything but sit in a darkened room staring into space, I can’t be of any help to anyone right now
I will not get a card from my kids today,
No flowers will be delivered on this Mothering Sunday,
I will not wake up to breakfast in bed,
This day will always be one I completely dread.
I will not receive the customary perfume,
My day will be filled with constant doom and gloom,
I will not hear that I am the best mother in the world,
Choosing to stay on the cold floor broken and curled.
