Some weeks ago I was sent to the hospital due to my body not recovering from COVID-19 after twelve weeks of symptoms.
Being in the COVID ward was hard enough, surrounded by people who were struggling to take a breath.
After many tests, the doctor was able to tell me that COVID had given me pneumonia, with no underlying conditions.
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It has been a year since my last miscarriage, tests from Tommys keep being pushed back every few months, in this time I have kept hoping that we will find the problem but after a year it’s being to feel hopeless.
I’m another year older than I was, another year with terrible mental health, and I honestly feel that I have achieved nothing. That’s not true, however, so I thought I’d list my achievements none the less.
I’ve been adrift for a long time,
Without any reason or rhyme,
Deserted amongst the normal,
Wearing jeans to a black-tie formal.Read More »
Tonight I say goodbye,
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,
This room connects me to a happy time,
But most of my stay here has been an uphill climb.
It’s been rather hectic here these past few weeks, from looking at houses to filling out forums to decorating and everything else that comes with a move, but I thought I’d check in. I’ve been thrown into the deep end when it comes to socialising, travelling alone, and having to go out on a daily basis.
It will all be worth it in the end because everything this monumental always is, I’ve had to miss therapy due to getting everything ready to move in, which I hate because at stressful times it helps so much.
But it will all be worth it to be in a house without any bad memories, a fresh start, and a change of scenery.
Thanks for reading,
Em.
Trapped within despair,
Gulping to take in air,
Heaviness takes over a gaping chest,
Thoughts become obsessed.
Fear lingers around my soul,
Stopping me from becoming whole,
Throwing me into the giant mess,
Moments that I have long repressed.
For those of you who have seen Game of Thrones or are a Florance + the Machine fan you may know the reference to Jenny of Oldstones, for those of you that don’t let me explain.
Jenny of Oldstones is basically someone who went through the great tragedy of losing not only her husband but also her son in a great fire, many other casualties were also taken and when it all was said and done she decided to live on in her burnt castle.
It was almost a month ago when she asked me to stop talking about my mental health, which has totally thrown me when I talk about my mental health on my blog a lot.
It’s sort of made me freeze up when it comes to what I am going to talk about here, yes I can talk about other aspects of my life, or what I’ve been through, but I’m still not quite sure what to do.Read More »
I have been rather quiet everywhere recently because I am writing a book, the idea just came to me a few weeks ago and every day I have spent away from here has been a day I have been working on the story.
Yes, my mental health may also be suffering as it does every day, but this novel seems to have just erupted out of me. Will, I get anywhere with the project? Probably not.
I have been staring at a fork in the road for a long time, I am scared to go down any of those roads I have built inside my head, just hoping that one day I will eventually make a decision. I am starting to get tired of all that staring, and I just want to make a decision already.
That, however, is not how recovery works, I could still be at this impasse for a very long time. Instead of forcing myself to make a decision about my life I need to know that it’s ok to stay here, as long as I focus on my recovery.Read More »
