I’d like to start by saying sorry for not being as active, I’ve been rather down about Mothers Day, which has been seriously affecting my mood and almost two weeks later it is now the due date for the child I miscarried back in September.
The darkness has swallowed me up these past few weeks, to a point where I can’t do anything but sit in a darkened room staring into space, I can’t be of any help to anyone right now
I will not get a card from my kids today,
No flowers will be delivered on this Mothering Sunday,
I will not wake up to breakfast in bed,
This day will always be one I completely dread.
I will not receive the customary perfume,
My day will be filled with constant doom and gloom,
I will not hear that I am the best mother in the world,
Choosing to stay on the cold floor broken and curled.
I cannot stop, I feel as if I have been hit by a bus but I cannot stop, because if I stop I’ll think about things and if I think about things I won’t be able to keep going. Is it even worth it? I feel like I am getting nowhere, my mind is in pieces and just when I think I’ve finally cracked the puzzle more pieces get dumped on top of me.
I don’t seem to fit anymore, I can’t find that passion that fuels me, I don’t know where I belong anymore. I wanted to give answers to those people who are going through similar things from my past. But I am not healthy, I don’t have answers, and I definitely do not feel better; pain is all I feel.
On the darkest of nights, I see myself curled up on the floor,
I cry and I plead, “I cannot take it anymore.”
Isolated among some dench and darkened trees,
Grief could forever keep me among the leaves.
The thought of staying enters my mind,
Here I can be left to rot amongst the vine,
But my body wants me to be free,
To vanquish the howling banshee.
I feel like I’ve just been waiting for everything, I wait to get pregnant, I wait to get better, and I just wait for my life to begin. Why do I wait? I think it’s because I’m scared to take the leap, I have many times after breakdowns, but it always ends up the same way. I jump in and end up worse off but how am I going to get better unless I take the steps?
It’s daunting that I am so scared to start living again, so scared to move forward, what if I have a breakdown again? But what if I don’t? Am I scared to go there because I could have a breakdown or am I scared of progress? I think the real answer is I am scared of everything when my life doesn’t go how I picture I seem to freeze.
For once the land reflects how I feel,
Like boiling water on frozen steel,
I cannot see another thing,
Finally alone my soul could sing.
The street could be full of dark creatures,
Be hosting a late night feature,
You would never be able to tell,
For I’ve never seen mist so swell.
I took a much needed full week away from blogging, I constantly felt as though I was letting everyone down by doing this, but after some much-needed therapy (first since holiday season) last week I came to the conclusion that I had to walk away for a short time.
Not that I wanted to but I really had to do it, you see I couldn’t stop crying, every day I would just ball my eyes out crying, and it wasn’t until I spoke to my therapist that I realised it was grief.
