It’s been nine days since I sat in that room facing three panellists, just thinking about it makes me nervous, and I really don’t want to talk about it but I have too. I can understand why it puts people off appealing to the tribunal, to sit in a room in front of others and beg for your illness to be taken seriously.
It could never be the way it was before, how could it? Losing hopes, dreams, and plans for your baby will always hurt. For me I lost three of my beautiful children, they did not develop beyond six-eight weeks of pregnancy but they were beautiful to me. I lost my motherhood, I felt less of a woman because we’re meant to carry our babies, and I couldn’t even do that.
The storm rages outside,
It takes over and guides,
Pushing me into the darkness,
All I can see is black and garnet.
Listing all of my symptoms are starting to make me scared,
As I wait for my tribunal I am feeling unprepared,
Three illnesses are listed,
The assessor makes them twisted.
I heard your voice as I awoke,
Screaming my name as you stole my smokes,
I forgot where I was for the longest time,
As I smelled that you were stinking with wine.
You hold me back from life,
You show me glimpses of the knife,
That hung above my head,
When I wished that I was dead.
Trigger Warning: Abuse, and Attempted Suicide.
I know I am loved, I know I am safe, I have food, heat (my house only has one working heater and I pay £60 a week on electricity during winter), support, and I live in a country with free healthcare. I went to university for free, I don’t have to pay for my prescriptions, I have a pet, a partner, I take the time to do what I love, and I know more than anyone that people are worse off than I am.
You are there for me in every storm,
Sheltering me and keeping me warm,
Taking the brunt of the ever-changing weather,
For years until the spring brings the heather.
I don’t usually post during the middle of the night, last week all I did was sleep, but for the past two nights I’ve tossed and turned with the best them. I just seem to have so much overwhelming stuff going on right now, I’m staring down the barrel of grief, I’m recovering from a traumatic event I had a year and a half ago, I’ve been given a date for a tribunal against my PIP decision which has, in turn, caused money issues, and I’ve reported my landlord for the poor state of repair that this house has given me.
Right now it feels like it would be easier to tell what I’m not worried about!
Life does as it pleases,
Every day is the same,
I always take the blame.
The Abuse was my fault,
The Rape was my fault,
The Miscarriages were my fault,
The Breakdowns were my fault.