Bitter Trials

She can see the sadness of her new face,

It’s as visible as a tear on newly embroidered lace,

No matter how much she laughs and smiles,

The lady’s face still shows the bitter trials.

Her grief is standing by her side,

Some days she can take it in her stride,

To harness it within her own art,

Before it returns to rip her apart.

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2018

This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.


Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

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The Anniversary Reaction

For weeks I have been trying to write this post, I only manage to just get through it and then I delete everything in its entirety. I didn’t understand why it would be so hard to speak about, I speak about a lot of topics that would be considered harder to talk about, but then I realised it was because I was ashamed of backsliding.

I have been doing so well recently, taking the steps to tackle my traumas, and I just didn’t want to admit that I had let myself down. I was going back to old habits, not taking care of myself as I usually would, and becoming withdrawn. I became scared to comment on any other blogs or anyone going through a hard time on Twitter because I’d forgotten how to help people having a bad day.Read More »

It’s hard!

Right now I have no motivation to do anything, I am forcing myself to write this right now as I do not think I have the energy to even get through this post. You may have noticed I haven’t been posting as much as I usually do, that is because of the voice in my head that is drowning out every other thought.

I feel like I don’t matter, who wants to hear my ramblings when I don’t even want to acknowledge them? I don’t want to think about the grey cloud that is seeping the life out of me, I don’t want to acknowledge that because of the anniversary I have reverted back to that place. It’s understandable as I’ve been pushing myself lately, but I just feel that now I’ve let everyone down.

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The Trifecta of Mental Health

I am a bit out of sorts at the moment, stress has caused me to disappear into myself recently and I can’t seem to claw my way out of it. Everything is becoming a chore, even my beloved writing, and it feels like I am slowly falling off of the edge of a cliff. I don’t think I could effectively explain just how tired I have been lately, my world has slowed down, and everything requires maximum effort.

All I want to do is lie down, that is my life’s mission of late because if I can lie down my entire body doesn’t hurt. I could only explain it with Game of Thrones and its stone men; it honestly feels like my body is turning into stone and everything I do is extremely painful. My body is seizing up for an attack, I am not under any threat, but my body is waiting on the blow.

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I always feel like a failure

It’s hard to put this in words because its always in my head but I feel like a failure, I have a great idea and entire structure for a novel but I can’t seem to start it, I have the option of having friends but I can’t seem to reach out, I have the option to get married but I’m terrified of being surrounded by people, and I write on this blog but I think everything I write is garbage.

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