Grief and Falling.

Behind every action grief is underneath it all, some days I feel absolutely great and I think I’ve broken through. But grief is lying in wait, underneath all the happiness, it only takes something small to bring it out and then I feel like I am back in that room being told there is no baby. Hope is such a fickle thing, I don’t have any hope at all, it evaporated a long time ago.

Read More »


Well, today I feel absolutely terrible, I went out, I did all I could do but right now it feels as if I’ve made myself physically sicker by going out. I’m just rather tired, rather devastated, and I feel like I should come with my own trigger warning I’m so jumpy. This will be my post for today, it isn’t very much, its rather a cheating post for blogtober but right now I can’t do too much more.

Read More »

The Doctors

I went to the doctors on Tuesday this week to find out our options towards having a baby, as I was waiting in line to check in I saw a toddler crying at the door out of the waiting room, his grandmother had gone into her doctor’s appointment, and he was upset about it. As I looked at the toddler I felt a rush of happiness, for a moment I forgot that he was the same age as the child I could have had.

Read More »

Why am I doing Blogtober?

As someone with some stuff going on in her life (going to see the doctor about recurrent miscarriage, an upcoming pip tribunal, grieving, attending an upcoming funeral, and suffering through mental illness), I can really see why I wouldn’t take up this challenge. I am going through a lot, my head isn’t in a great place, my illness is not leaving anytime soon, so why should I bother?

Read More »

Grief, Anxiety, and Obsessive Thinking

“She gave me life by taking away the life I had to give,” – Me just now.

Trigger warning for Miscarriage

I’ve spoken about why it’s very hard to talk my second Miscarriage here, but if you don’t know it caused Trauma and I nearly died. The quote above just popped into my head as I was trying to get back to sleep after being awoken by the cat that wanted a cuddle. My anxieties about another matter have once again been keeping me up and today I am exhausted in a very different way than I was yesterday.

Read More »

Insomnia or Anxiety?


I don’t usually post during the middle of the night, last week all I did was sleep, but for the past two nights I’ve tossed and turned with the best them. I just seem to have so much overwhelming stuff going on right now, I’m staring down the barrel of grief, I’m recovering from a traumatic event I had a year and a half ago, I’ve been given a date for a tribunal against my PIP decision which has, in turn, caused money issues, and I’ve reported my landlord for the poor state of repair that this house has given me.

Right now it feels like it would be easier to tell what I’m not worried about!

Read More »