Behind every action grief is underneath it all, some days I feel absolutely great and I think I’ve broken through. But grief is lying in wait, underneath all the happiness, it only takes something small to bring it out and then I feel like I am back in that room being told there is no baby. Hope is such a fickle thing, I don’t have any hope at all, it evaporated a long time ago.
It could never be the way it was before, how could it? Losing hopes, dreams, and plans for your baby will always hurt. For me I lost three of my beautiful children, they did not develop beyond six-eight weeks of pregnancy but they were beautiful to me. I lost my motherhood, I felt less of a woman because we’re meant to carry our babies, and I couldn’t even do that.
Well, today I feel absolutely terrible, I went out, I did all I could do but right now it feels as if I’ve made myself physically sicker by going out. I’m just rather tired, rather devastated, and I feel like I should come with my own trigger warning I’m so jumpy. This will be my post for today, it isn’t very much, its rather a cheating post for blogtober but right now I can’t do too much more.
I went to the doctors on Tuesday this week to find out our options towards having a baby, as I was waiting in line to check in I saw a toddler crying at the door out of the waiting room, his grandmother had gone into her doctor’s appointment, and he was upset about it. As I looked at the toddler I felt a rush of happiness, for a moment I forgot that he was the same age as the child I could have had.
The storm rages outside,
It takes over and guides,
Pushing me into the darkness,
All I can see is black and garnet.
On this World Mental Health day, I thought I would talk about the relationship with my cat, and how he has helped my general mental health. I was never a fan of cats, my mum told me the story of a cat trying to smother me as I lay in my pram as a baby, she’d went to answer the phone as she was coming home with me, and came out to the scene.
Trigger Warning – Miscarriage
Today marks Miscarriage and Baby loss Awareness Week, I thought I would write about each of my miscarriages separately in order to raise awareness on this issue, coincidently I had an appointment with the doctor today about our options going forward and will talk about it in the next few days.
As someone with some stuff going on in her life (going to see the doctor about recurrent miscarriage, an upcoming pip tribunal, grieving, attending an upcoming funeral, and suffering through mental illness), I can really see why I wouldn’t take up this challenge. I am going through a lot, my head isn’t in a great place, my illness is not leaving anytime soon, so why should I bother?
“She gave me life by taking away the life I had to give,” – Me just now.
Trigger warning for Miscarriage
I’ve spoken about why it’s very hard to talk my second Miscarriage here, but if you don’t know it caused Trauma and I nearly died. The quote above just popped into my head as I was trying to get back to sleep after being awoken by the cat that wanted a cuddle. My anxieties about another matter have once again been keeping me up and today I am exhausted in a very different way than I was yesterday.
I don’t usually post during the middle of the night, last week all I did was sleep, but for the past two nights I’ve tossed and turned with the best them. I just seem to have so much overwhelming stuff going on right now, I’m staring down the barrel of grief, I’m recovering from a traumatic event I had a year and a half ago, I’ve been given a date for a tribunal against my PIP decision which has, in turn, caused money issues, and I’ve reported my landlord for the poor state of repair that this house has given me.
Right now it feels like it would be easier to tell what I’m not worried about!