Christmas Market

Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.

I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.

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To the child I lost two years ago.

There is not one day that I do not think about you, I wonder if you’d be trying to put full sentences together and if you look like me or your dad. When you left I was so broken, I thought I wasn’t ever going to come up for air again, that pain hasn’t really left me, but I am getting better. I’m sorry I cannot see you, I’m sorry I never got to hold you and more than anything I want you here with me.

But you’re not here, I want you to be here always, but I cannot wallow, I lost your sibling this year too, and one a very long time ago. I want to cry from the rooftops that I lost you all, I want to be with you three, but I can’t. I have to get on with my life, however sad that may be, but I need to live.

I miss you, I loved being your mum for the seven and a half weeks I carried you, today you will be remembered, every day you will be remembered but I can’t hold onto the pain of losing you or your siblings. I have to break free of the weight I carry around me, just because I smile doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.Read More »

Grief and Falling.

Behind every action grief is underneath it all, some days I feel absolutely great and I think I’ve broken through. But grief is lying in wait, underneath all the happiness, it only takes something small to bring it out and then I feel like I am back in that room being told there is no baby. Hope is such a fickle thing, I don’t have any hope at all, it evaporated a long time ago.

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Well, today I feel absolutely terrible, I went out, I did all I could do but right now it feels as if I’ve made myself physically sicker by going out. I’m just rather tired, rather devastated, and I feel like I should come with my own trigger warning I’m so jumpy. This will be my post for today, it isn’t very much, its rather a cheating post for blogtober but right now I can’t do too much more.

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The Doctors

I went to the doctors on Tuesday this week to find out our options towards having a baby, as I was waiting in line to check in I saw a toddler crying at the door out of the waiting room, his grandmother had gone into her doctor’s appointment, and he was upset about it. As I looked at the toddler I felt a rush of happiness, for a moment I forgot that he was the same age as the child I could have had.

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