We were Fearless.

When we were fearless,

The days became tearless,

It felt like it was finally our time,

Our life became sublime.

There was sheer magic in the air,

I could walk the land without care,

Skipping along with every step,

Full of some unordinary pep.

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The Lone Warrior

The lone warrior walks throughout the land,

Trying to find a connection in something he can’t understand,

He walks along the abandoned halls,

Thinking of the long forgotten masquerade balls.

Searching for the answers to his many questions,

Even the slightest hints or suggestions,

He braves the highest mountaintop,

To the loneliest little grocery shop.

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This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.

Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

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Christmas Market

Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.

I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.

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To the child I lost two years ago.

There is not one day that I do not think about you, I wonder if you’d be trying to put full sentences together and if you look like me or your dad. When you left I was so broken, I thought I wasn’t ever going to come up for air again, that pain hasn’t really left me, but I am getting better. I’m sorry I cannot see you, I’m sorry I never got to hold you and more than anything I want you here with me.

But you’re not here, I want you to be here always, but I cannot wallow, I lost your sibling this year too, and one a very long time ago. I want to cry from the rooftops that I lost you all, I want to be with you three, but I can’t. I have to get on with my life, however sad that may be, but I need to live.

I miss you, I loved being your mum for the seven and a half weeks I carried you, today you will be remembered, every day you will be remembered but I can’t hold onto the pain of losing you or your siblings. I have to break free of the weight I carry around me, just because I smile doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.Read More »

Grief and Falling.

Behind every action grief is underneath it all, some days I feel absolutely great and I think I’ve broken through. But grief is lying in wait, underneath all the happiness, it only takes something small to bring it out and then I feel like I am back in that room being told there is no baby. Hope is such a fickle thing, I don’t have any hope at all, it evaporated a long time ago.

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