2018

This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.


Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

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What’s wrong with me?

This is the question I have been asking myself for a very long time, I make progress and then fail at the final hurdle and all that effort I have put in evaporates. I have run straight back into the arms of the Titan I have wrestled against my entire life and its name is Anxiety. Will I ever get better? Am I just too damaged to get through the endless battles?

Right now I would say yes, but it’s a crazy time of the year, from the middle of November I have dealt with the anniversary reaction and holiday grief, right now it just feels like I am in an endless cycle of poor mental health. It is so prevalent that I just sit in a fog of my own creation, not really present in the now.

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Christmas

Happy Christmas Eve Eve as Pheobe would say, that time of year is almost upon us and I’m counting down the days until its over. I’ve wrapped all my presents, I’ve put up my decorations, and I have finally gotten the cards done. I didn’t want to do any of it, but my house is a sparkle of tinsel and fairy lights.

This year would have always been hard when you think of you’re lost children and the potential of what could have been. The older child who would know the big secret, the toddler who would be hatching a plan with the cat to pull down the tree, and the little one growing in my belly. It all seems perfect in my mind, but that’s not the picture that has been painted for me.Read More »

Down the Rabbit hole.

I see a white blur past me in the distance,

It talks about time with a matter of persistence,

Without an ounce of any self-control,

I follow the blur straight down the rabbit hole.

Before I know it I am at the bottom of a large pit,

Which has never seen so much as the moonlit,

Its darkness seems to come from magic,

Following the poor soul whose life is nothing but tragic.

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Christmas Past

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The holidays come with a huge weight of grief for me, but it wasn’t always this way, I used to love this time of year so much. From the first of December, I would be singing carols to myself, smiling at all the Christmas cheer, and taking part in every holiday-related activity I could think of.

The past three years have been different, too different for my liking, I complain about the season now more than ever. Before it was never about the presents but about the company of loved ones, now it is something I am trying to ignore as much as possible. The stress of it sends my mental health into a tailspin and before I know it I can’t leave the house

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The guilt of taking time for me.

The past few days I have been taking time for myself, staying away from social media, and generally starting on my decorations. With taking time for myself comes an incredible guilt like no other, it’s the complete last thing that I want to do because the whole process of looking after yourself is completely new to me.

It may have been stamped into me through childhood, the single daughter in a Catholic family who was obliged to care for her disabled parents. I was always putting everyone else’s needs first, I could be in the middle of doing something which I would stop immediately and go to help someone else with whatever it was they needed.

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Christmas Market

Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.

I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.

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December

Today marks the start of a very hard month for me, December is all about family, to the point that I see it everywhere. Friends and Family with there children go out and celebrate, and I just feel like the unlucky hag who ruins the fun for everyone else. The spurned who doesn’t yet have the privilege of having her own children, and brings everyone down with my grief.

As I write this I burst into tears as I think of what I could have had, but I don’t have it, and I might not ever have it. If it can’t happen for me what adoption company is going to give a baby to a mother with mental health problems? December already has me questioning everything, so you know it’s going to be a hard month.Read More »

I did it! Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween but this year I’m extra glad it’s here because I made it, blogging every day for thirty-one days straight! It is completely knackering, I’ve been up obsessing over posts, putting myself down, and completely frazzled at times but I did it!

It hasn’t hurt my passion for writing at all, I thought I’d be sick of it all by now, but if anything I am more passionate about it than I was. I thought for this post I would list all the things that blogtober has taught me.

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