Christmas Market

Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.

I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.

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December

Today marks the start of a very hard month for me, December is all about family, to the point that I see it everywhere. Friends and Family with there children go out and celebrate, and I just feel like the unlucky hag who ruins the fun for everyone else. The spurned who doesn’t yet have the privilege of having her own children, and brings everyone down with my grief.

As I write this I burst into tears as I think of what I could have had, but I don’t have it, and I might not ever have it. If it can’t happen for me what adoption company is going to give a baby to a mother with mental health problems? December already has me questioning everything, so you know it’s going to be a hard month.Read More »

The Anniversary Reaction

For weeks I have been trying to write this post, I only manage to just get through it and then I delete everything in its entirety. I didn’t understand why it would be so hard to speak about, I speak about a lot of topics that would be considered harder to talk about, but then I realised it was because I was ashamed of backsliding.

I have been doing so well recently, taking the steps to tackle my traumas, and I just didn’t want to admit that I had let myself down. I was going back to old habits, not taking care of myself as I usually would, and becoming withdrawn. I became scared to comment on any other blogs or anyone going through a hard time on Twitter because I’d forgotten how to help people having a bad day.Read More »

It’s hard!

Right now I have no motivation to do anything, I am forcing myself to write this right now as I do not think I have the energy to even get through this post. You may have noticed I haven’t been posting as much as I usually do, that is because of the voice in my head that is drowning out every other thought.

I feel like I don’t matter, who wants to hear my ramblings when I don’t even want to acknowledge them? I don’t want to think about the grey cloud that is seeping the life out of me, I don’t want to acknowledge that because of the anniversary I have reverted back to that place. It’s understandable as I’ve been pushing myself lately, but I just feel that now I’ve let everyone down.

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Pressure

It seems to be my initial instinct to put pressure on myself, I always feel overwhelmed by this until the point where I give up due to fear of failure, but why do I do this? I am never good enough, nothing I ever do is perfect, and nothing I ever do will be perfect. Any other person would understand this but I don’t.

My mother always wanted me to be perfect, this thinking has been pushed upon me for as long as I can remember. I know it is the wrong way to feel about myself, I know this way of thinking isn’t good, but I still do it. When will I ever stop putting too much pressure on myself? I could lie and say I strive for excellence but I don’t from anyone else.

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What would I say to my eleven-year-old self?

My therapist asked me this and I was really stumped by it; I’d never thought of it this way. It’s taken me a while to think about it, but I think I’m ready to talk about it now, so here goes, if I could speak to my eleven-year-old self what would I say?

Life will be hard

It will be so much harder for you to navigate through all the hardships that are coming your way, you’ll think that you possibly couldn’t take any more hardship, but you’ll be wrong. You will need to claw yourself back from the abyss on a few occasions, you don’t think you’ll make it at times, but you’re still here.

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Am I Worthy?

My first reaction would be no, I’m not trying to get pity or attention by saying this, this is what I truly believe. It could just be the anxiety but it’s not, I’ve always felt worthless, and I have always believed I do not deserve anything else. At times I could blame my Mother, my rapist, or my abuser, but I have always felt this way.

They did unspeakable things to me in my life, chipped away at any self-esteem I had left, but I have always felt unworthy. Is it because I am a woman who was raised in a very misogynistic religion and went to Catholic school? I don’t think it is, I can remember feeling this way all my life, so what is it?Read More »