The Mist

For once the land reflects how I feel,

Like boiling water on frozen steel,

I cannot see another thing,

Finally alone my soul could sing.

The street could be full of dark creatures,

Be hosting a late night feature,

You would never be able to tell,

For I’ve never seen mist so swell.

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Week Off

I took a much needed full week away from blogging, I constantly felt as though I was letting everyone down by doing this, but after some much-needed therapy (first since holiday season) last week I came to the conclusion that I had to walk away for a short time.

Not that I wanted to but I really had to do it, you see I couldn’t stop crying, every day I would just ball my eyes out crying, and it wasn’t until I spoke to my therapist that I realised it was grief.

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My Christmas

I’ve been wanting to talk about this day since it happened, but it’s really hard to talk about it without a little bit of perspective. It also doesn’t really help that the entire season was very hard for me, even now on a good day I am still fighting to stop feeling like this, the season of grief has truly gotten me down.

The important thing is I got through this very hard day, I knew it was going to be difficult but even then it subverted my expectations, to the point where I wish I had acted so much sooner. I knew how I wanted to spend the day, but through obligation, guilt, and a sprinkling of self-loathing I didn’t know how to ask for it.

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The Lone Warrior

The lone warrior walks throughout the land,

Trying to find a connection in something he can’t understand,

He walks along the abandoned halls,

Thinking of the long forgotten masquerade balls.

Searching for the answers to his many questions,

Even the slightest hints or suggestions,

He braves the highest mountaintop,

To the loneliest little grocery shop.

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2018

This year has brought a lot of low points, like some really terrible moments where I’ve felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest terrible, but I thought I would instead today focus on the positive moments I had throughout last year to show, mostly to myself, that 2018 wasn’t really that bad.


Opening up

I had started seeing my therapist in December 2017, but it was only a small trial session we had, but in 2018 we really truly started the work on my mental health. We don’t talk diagnosis, but instead, I can just go into her little comfy room and talk about whatever has bothered me. For the first few months, the sessions were dedicated to my abuser, but I would deflect a lot.

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What’s wrong with me?

This is the question I have been asking myself for a very long time, I make progress and then fail at the final hurdle and all that effort I have put in evaporates. I have run straight back into the arms of the Titan I have wrestled against my entire life and its name is Anxiety. Will I ever get better? Am I just too damaged to get through the endless battles?

Right now I would say yes, but it’s a crazy time of the year, from the middle of November I have dealt with the anniversary reaction and holiday grief, right now it just feels like I am in an endless cycle of poor mental health. It is so prevalent that I just sit in a fog of my own creation, not really present in the now.

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Christmas

Happy Christmas Eve Eve as Pheobe would say, that time of year is almost upon us and I’m counting down the days until its over. I’ve wrapped all my presents, I’ve put up my decorations, and I have finally gotten the cards done. I didn’t want to do any of it, but my house is a sparkle of tinsel and fairy lights.

This year would have always been hard when you think of you’re lost children and the potential of what could have been. The older child who would know the big secret, the toddler who would be hatching a plan with the cat to pull down the tree, and the little one growing in my belly. It all seems perfect in my mind, but that’s not the picture that has been painted for me.Read More »

Down the Rabbit hole.

I see a white blur past me in the distance,

It talks about time with a matter of persistence,

Without an ounce of any self-control,

I follow the blur straight down the rabbit hole.

Before I know it I am at the bottom of a large pit,

Which has never seen so much as the moonlit,

Its darkness seems to come from magic,

Following the poor soul whose life is nothing but tragic.

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Christmas Past

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The holidays come with a huge weight of grief for me, but it wasn’t always this way, I used to love this time of year so much. From the first of December, I would be singing carols to myself, smiling at all the Christmas cheer, and taking part in every holiday-related activity I could think of.

The past three years have been different, too different for my liking, I complain about the season now more than ever. Before it was never about the presents but about the company of loved ones, now it is something I am trying to ignore as much as possible. The stress of it sends my mental health into a tailspin and before I know it I can’t leave the house

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