The last few days I’ve been battling away, I’m scared to go outside, scared to stay inside, sick to my core. I’m tired of being alone and scared to be around others. When people are around me I instinctively act as if I’m ok, but on Friday I went shopping and it was too busy, so busy in fact that I hurt my hands by gripping onto the shopping cart.Read More »
On Sunday I decided to take a little break from social media, I’m always amazed when it gets to an unhealthy point because social media makes me feel less isolated, but the past few days have been an eye opener at how unhealthy it can be.
It always starts when I begin to compare my life to others, I’ve been very isolated and it always makes me feel worse about myself. I begin to put my little triumphs down, “You went for a coffee on a weekday, why are you feeling proud of a thing most people do every day?”
Then I force myself to do things because everyone else can do them, I forced myself to go the biggest Highland show, be constantly sandwiched by people, and then I had a breakdown next to the crafting tent.
I feel like it is important to share my story along the way, this time; instead of focusing on what contributed to my mental health, I’d like to focus on the topic of Friendship. These relationships really do affect our mental health in multiple ways, and I feel that it is important to highlight this issue for people who may not understand just how important it can be.
I thought I was lucky when I was younger as I had a huge group of friends, but I was never allowed out the house very much, and I had to live with the prospect of missing out on everything. When I got to a certain age where I could sneak out, lie about my whereabouts, or generally not care about pleasing my mother it all started to derail.
I think its also important to explain that before all this happened a friend of mine, whom I knew since I was twelve slept with my first serious boyfriend, I had strong feelings for him but looking back on it he was a total dufus, and I walked in on them kissing each other the morning after. After that, I started to question everything about my life, who could I trust?
I’ve been writing for almost a week so I thought I’d introduce myself, and tell you my story. I’m keeping my anonymity though as it makes it so much easier to talk about my own mental health.
I was born to two disabled parents who I’ve spent most of my life taking care of, my mother always resented me as I was far from perfect in her eyes, she would lose it and hit me.
Most of my childhood felt like I was living with a bomb that could go off at any time, it created my anxiety, and it flourished. I cannot remember a time that I wasn’t anxious or depressed.
Then in my late teens, I was raped by someone who was meant to be my friend, and I never told a soul. A year later I confided in my boyfriend of the time, who actually told everyone, and I became the girl who cried rape.
Today I cannot look outside, the flashbacks seem to come all the time, the past abuse that haunts my core, from my mother, my friend, and my lover.
They were never good to me, rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and threatening behaviours.
Now all I can do is see what’s in the past, no future ever guides me, as it will not let me go.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a friend, they tend to leave me when they’ve had there fun, they never understand my mental health, and then I’m left back on the shelf.