Expect the Worst

I suppose that’s been my way in life for so long, expect the worst then you’ll never be disappointed. It’s not like I can’t hope for the things I want in life but the worst is always niggling in the back of my brain. Hear a noise during the night, oh no someone’s coming to kill us, the phone rings, oh no something bad has happened.

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I always feel like a failure

It’s hard to put this in words because its always in my head but I feel like a failure, I have a great idea and entire structure for a novel but I can’t seem to start it, I have the option of having friends but I can’t seem to reach out, I have the option to get married but I’m terrified of being surrounded by people, and I write on this blog but I think everything I write is garbage.

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Tribunal

It’s been nine days since I sat in that room facing three panellists, just thinking about it makes me nervous, and I really don’t want to talk about it but I have too. I can understand why it puts people off appealing to the tribunal, to sit in a room in front of others and beg for your illness to be taken seriously.

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Bleurgh

Well, today I feel absolutely terrible, I went out, I did all I could do but right now it feels as if I’ve made myself physically sicker by going out. I’m just rather tired, rather devastated, and I feel like I should come with my own trigger warning I’m so jumpy. This will be my post for today, it isn’t very much, its rather a cheating post for blogtober but right now I can’t do too much more.

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The Doctors

I went to the doctors on Tuesday this week to find out our options towards having a baby, as I was waiting in line to check in I saw a toddler crying at the door out of the waiting room, his grandmother had gone into her doctor’s appointment, and he was upset about it. As I looked at the toddler I felt a rush of happiness, for a moment I forgot that he was the same age as the child I could have had.

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