I suppose that’s been my way in life for so long, expect the worst then you’ll never be disappointed. It’s not like I can’t hope for the things I want in life but the worst is always niggling in the back of my brain. Hear a noise during the night, oh no someone’s coming to kill us, the phone rings, oh no something bad has happened.
The water flows,
I have been forced off my toes,
I’m plunged into the depths,
I cannot take any breaths.
It’s day twenty of blogtober and I haven’t missed a single post yet.
Through the darkness and the light,
You never leave my sight,
Holding me up as my legs go weak,
When life becomes oblique.
It’s hard to put this in words because its always in my head but I feel like a failure, I have a great idea and entire structure for a novel but I can’t seem to start it, I have the option of having friends but I can’t seem to reach out, I have the option to get married but I’m terrified of being surrounded by people, and I write on this blog but I think everything I write is garbage.
It’s been nine days since I sat in that room facing three panellists, just thinking about it makes me nervous, and I really don’t want to talk about it but I have too. I can understand why it puts people off appealing to the tribunal, to sit in a room in front of others and beg for your illness to be taken seriously.
It could never be the way it was before, how could it? Losing hopes, dreams, and plans for your baby will always hurt. For me I lost three of my beautiful children, they did not develop beyond six-eight weeks of pregnancy but they were beautiful to me. I lost my motherhood, I felt less of a woman because we’re meant to carry our babies, and I couldn’t even do that.
Well, today I feel absolutely terrible, I went out, I did all I could do but right now it feels as if I’ve made myself physically sicker by going out. I’m just rather tired, rather devastated, and I feel like I should come with my own trigger warning I’m so jumpy. This will be my post for today, it isn’t very much, its rather a cheating post for blogtober but right now I can’t do too much more.
I went to the doctors on Tuesday this week to find out our options towards having a baby, as I was waiting in line to check in I saw a toddler crying at the door out of the waiting room, his grandmother had gone into her doctor’s appointment, and he was upset about it. As I looked at the toddler I felt a rush of happiness, for a moment I forgot that he was the same age as the child I could have had.
Listing all of my symptoms are starting to make me scared,
As I wait for my tribunal I am feeling unprepared,
Three illnesses are listed,
The assessor makes them twisted.