I flap.

It will come as no surprise to most of you to learn that I am a flapper, the rest of you probably haven’t heard the term. A flapper is not some weird sea creature but someone who panics and gets agitated with themselves.

I flap therefore I am, at times I think I was born to flap, as somehow it’s encoded into my DNA. I’m always trying to find the answers to everything but could it be I was just made this way?

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New Tomorrow?

It feels as though I let you all down,

The grey cloud above the perfect town,

A caterpillar who won’t become a butterfly,

Silent nothings that haunt your battle cry.

Patches of frost on newly bloomed rose,

A tiny hole in your beautiful new clothes,

The ugly duck in a lake filled with swans,

Decaying rust that muddies antique bronze.

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The Darkness

The bus drives down an empty street,

A man staggers home with two left feet,

Blue lights twinkle in the far distance,

As the woman wonders about her existence.

How quiet the town becomes at twilight,

We fear the monsters that lurk in the night,

Uncertainty of what creeps in the shadows,

A woman worries if these are appropriate clothes.

Silence slithers through the same familiar ground,

He is happy waiting for the perfect victim to surround,

No one around will listen when she cries out in pain,

The woman’s life will forever feel this very strain.

A burden she will carry with her through it all,

Times will be that tough she will fail to crawl,

Horrified at what the darkness could send her way,

This woman continues to fear it until this day.

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What is left behind after abuse?

Abuse comes in many forms, for me, it was both psychological and physical abuse that my ex put me through. Today I’d like to talk about what is left behind after abuse, and what it is like trying to move forward from something that is so hateful.

Physical Scars

Thankfully most of those scares faded, I only have one physical scar that has remained with me to this day, it’s from a cigarette butt that he decided to put out on me during one of his outbursts.

I don’t get to see it very often but when I do I am taken back to that night, to his face which sparkled with glee while he did it, and I always feel shame when I see it.

Shame that I couldn’t do anything to stop him, shame that I hadn’t left him before then, and blame that it was all my fault.

Psychological Scars

This one runs deep, being so scared of men straight after the incident yet feeling as though I needed a man to take care of me and offer protection from him.

Being scared I might see his face around every corner, tensing up when anyone tries to argue with me, nightmares of the knife-wielding maniac trying to cut me open.

Taking it into my current very long term super soul mate relationship, to a point where I would unconsciously take my baggage out on my better half.

Using drugs to numb to the pain right after the relationship did not lead to better places, or cutting off ties with friends due to my own reckless behaviour.

That’s not to say anything about the effect it had on my own mental health while adding PTSD onto the roster and the grief that comes with losing that person he pretended to be.

Grief

I want to elaborate more on this, he was a monster but he pretended to be someone else, almost as if he knew to draw me in with this kind, caring, fellow.

After we split up I did not take any time to grieve him, instead, I pushed it into a box and buried it deep down inside.

Anger

At myself for letting this happen again and again, my friends for not helping me when I really needed it, my parents, who were taken in by his charm.

The anger I had towards him for never paying for what he did, and the anger I had at myself for being so broken that I thought I deserved it.

Loneliness

Cutting myself off from everyone I knew, making excuses about why I couldn’t go out, wanting to be surrounded by people but feeling real loneliness when I was with anyone.

Never sure who I could talk to about it, so in the end, I spoke to no one.

Fear

Of people, of trusting anyone who tried to really get close to me, even if I wanted them too. I was always scared that they would treat me the same way he did because I thought I deserved it.

This fear has manifested into my everyday life, as though I am always waiting until he breaks in and finishes the job.

Failure

Feeling like a failure in my own life, psychological abuse has gone that deep that I beat myself up even more, and believe every horrible thing he ever said to me.

If it’s true then why try?

Why me?

This question will plague me for the rest of my life, why did he pick me? What did I do? But these are not the questions I should be asking myself, I should instead blame him for everything he has done to me.

At the end of the day, he caused this, no amount of self-blame will help. Now instead of asking why me, or blaming myself for his behaviour, I choose to blame him.

I blame RYAN!

Thank you so much all of you who got this far, it’s a very long read today, and I very much appreciate it.

Em.

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The Autumn Trees.

As she sits on her chair watching the leaves change,

The feeling of joy seems somewhat strange,

People below are always to busy to notice,

Its beauty is being appreciated by the poetess.

All she can see is the magnificent autumn trees,

How they dance in the slightest hint of a breeze,

The road below her is busy and congested,

But when she stares out she always feels rested.

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