Self Sabotage

I cannot stop, I feel as if I have been hit by a bus but I cannot stop, because if I stop I’ll think about things and if I think about things I won’t be able to keep going. Is it even worth it? I feel like I am getting nowhere, my mind is in pieces and just when I think I’ve finally cracked the puzzle more pieces get dumped on top of me.

I don’t seem to fit anymore, I can’t find that passion that fuels me, I don’t know where I belong anymore. I wanted to give answers to those people who are going through similar things from my past. But I am not healthy, I don’t have answers, and I definitely do not feel better; pain is all I feel.

Does this even help anyone?

I wrote this yesterday during a very bad day, you see I had been at my uncles funeral the day before and it along with the impending mothers day totally rocked me. It began to bring up feelings that I shouldn’t be here, how I wasn’t supposed to be here if my child made it to term that I would have actually died instead of just nearly dying.

I should see life as a gift, I was given my life back but at a cost, and I cannot seem to feel like it was unfair. But life isn’t fair, the rational part of my mind knows this, but the irrational part wants me to suffer. I want to fail at everything I do because I don’t deserve to be here, this flawed human who cannot perform simple tasks most of the time.

How is that fair? But I can’t keep self-sabotaging myself, I cannot let the anxiety that tells me I don’t deserve anything to actually win this war. I need to stand up, I need to do what I love, and I need to stop letting it control me. Every negative thought has to be met with a positive, I need to dig deep and tell myself that my flaws are brilliant.

Just writing it makes my stomach heave, I’ve never been one to love myself, but I need to try. So as much as it pains me I am going to name one thing I love about myself, even if I am staring at this screen all day.

I will go out of my way to help anyone, even if I am having a very hard time.

One thought on “Self Sabotage

  1. Change your thinking first, start loving yourself. Life is gift from God. If you want speak to one person and share your feelings. I know where you are standing but remember after low time there is only up. That’s Universe law. Time keep on changing. Both up and down are part of this Universe.

    Liked by 1 person

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