I cannot stop, I feel as if I have been hit by a bus but I cannot stop, because if I stop I’ll think about things and if I think about things I won’t be able to keep going. Is it even worth it? I feel like I am getting nowhere, my mind is in pieces and just when I think I’ve finally cracked the puzzle more pieces get dumped on top of me.
I don’t seem to fit anymore, I can’t find that passion that fuels me, I don’t know where I belong anymore. I wanted to give answers to those people who are going through similar things from my past. But I am not healthy, I don’t have answers, and I definitely do not feel better; pain is all I feel.
Does this even help anyone?
I wrote this yesterday during a very bad day, you see I had been at my uncles funeral the day before and it along with the impending mothers day totally rocked me. It began to bring up feelings that I shouldn’t be here, how I wasn’t supposed to be here if my child made it to term that I would have actually died instead of just nearly dying.
I should see life as a gift, I was given my life back but at a cost, and I cannot seem to feel like it was unfair. But life isn’t fair, the rational part of my mind knows this, but the irrational part wants me to suffer. I want to fail at everything I do because I don’t deserve to be here, this flawed human who cannot perform simple tasks most of the time.
How is that fair? But I can’t keep self-sabotaging myself, I cannot let the anxiety that tells me I don’t deserve anything to actually win this war. I need to stand up, I need to do what I love, and I need to stop letting it control me. Every negative thought has to be met with a positive, I need to dig deep and tell myself that my flaws are brilliant.
Just writing it makes my stomach heave, I’ve never been one to love myself, but I need to try. So as much as it pains me I am going to name one thing I love about myself, even if I am staring at this screen all day.
I will go out of my way to help anyone, even if I am having a very hard time.