Waiting

I feel like I’ve just been waiting for everything, I wait to get pregnant, I wait to get better, and I just wait for my life to begin. Why do I wait? I think it’s because I’m scared to take the leap, I have many times after breakdowns, but it always ends up the same way. I jump in and end up worse off but how am I going to get better unless I take the steps?

It’s daunting that I am so scared to start living again, so scared to move forward, what if I have a breakdown again? But what if I don’t? Am I scared to go there because I could have a breakdown or am I scared of progress? I think the real answer is I am scared of everything when my life doesn’t go how I picture I seem to freeze.

I think that is why I am not posting as much on my site anymore, I bought the domain and that is scary, what if it doesn’t go as I hope? But I can’t be like that anymore, I can’t be scared of failure, by doing nothing or posting less I am failing. But that is how I have dealt with everything, I never seem to fight and I always flight.

When I was raped I blamed myself for freezing, I did the same thing with my abuse, at first I blamed myself for not acting but acting would have made it much worse. I can’t stop beating myself up for every little action, even if I subvert expectations and fight I beat myself up for doing that.

Am I always going to beat myself up? Is the action not taken always going to get to me? Right now I think it is, I truly think that no matter what I do my anxiety will always obsess on what I didn’t do in these situations. I just have to learn how to drown out that horrible voice in my head that thinks I’m a worthless piece of trash.

It might be the loudest voice in the room but does that mean I have to listen to it?

Thanks for reading,

Em.

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