Today is Time to Talk Day which encourages everyone to talk about Mental Health or whatever is on there mind, this gets awareness out there as well as being great for acceptance on this issue. I thought I would dedicate today to those thoughts I have that hold me back from speaking my mind and try to understand them a little better.
No one will believe you
It’s safe to say that this is not a hard one to figure out, I have had a lot of people in my life not believe me, my fear of missing out turned into my parents accusing me of taking drugs, my breakdown led to drinking heavily as a cry for help but my parents wouldn’t believe the worst things my abusive ex did to me.
I became the girl who cried rape for explaining a situation I had been in with an old friend, I have been called lazy after not being able to move from mental illness, my mother literal never believed a word that came out my mouth, so I use this excuse when I try to open up to the people in my life.
They can’t understand
This is a big one, most of the time I can’t ever understand what is going through my head, how is anyone else going to? It doesn’t help that my anxious Fathers reaction to my anxiety was to ask what I had to be anxious about, sometimes it not because of something you going through or that something has got to worry you.
Anxiety is chronic in some people plain and simple, I am anxious about everything, and when I say everything I mean it. I then take this as a measuring stick for everyone else, Parents are supposed to be understanding, but when they aren’t how could anyone else be?
I deserve to feel this way
I really do think I’ve deserved everything that has happened to me as if my pain is all part of a giant cosmic joke because the person I hate the most is myself. It’s always been this way, for as long as I can remember I have just hated myself, so on some level that has manifested into blame and guilt.
It’s not just looks or personality, I hate everything about myself, I couldn’t even point to one characteristic and say I like that about me. I get embarrassed if anyone asks me my favourite features because I can’t think of any.
I don’t want to make others uncomfortable
This is a big one, when you can read other people’s emotions it’s pretty hard to go on if they feel uncomfortable, and I understand how some people in my life feel about being upset. My story makes me upset, it really makes me so vulnerable that I just don’t want to let it get in the way of my relationships.
I also think there is more to this as if I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of other people because my emotions usually get me in trouble, is the excuse my abusive ex would use for hitting me, I’m too emotional, and I’m scared to go there again.
I shouldn’t show weakness
This sort of ties in with the previous reason but I need to mention it, I have felt weak a lot of times in my life, I have blamed myself for being weak when my friend raped me and every time anything bad happens. My abusive ex always called it pathetic, so I am hyper aware of how he called me out on it and I believed him.
I’m always terrified that is how others see me, I’d rather appear strong or cold than a broken shell of who I am but it’s nonsense because it all comes down to the last reason.
I have been played so many times over, I just can’t seem to get a break from it, the real reason I can’t really speak about my trauma is I am scared to. Old friends have used my trauma for there own gain, or to just gain information on why I am not around anymore, it’s scary to even think about.
I have put my faith in the wrong people, it has made me so much worse off than most of the bad things I’ve gone through, and it has made my illness thrive.
I’d like to say this time last year I never thought I would have an in life close friendship with another person but it has happened, as hard as I find it to open up I try and hopefully one day I can be open to everyone.
Thanks for reading,