Scared

At times I feel I could heal the world, but these come fewer and far between. I want to march out on the street to protest so many issues, highlight the injustice all around the Planet and challenge the way we all think about issues. But I don’t know what I am doing, honestly, I feel like I am the one screaming into the void and hiding from everyone.

I could explain how broken I am but I can’t quite do that, it’s really the hardest thing I could ever put into words, but I am a writer so it really should be easy, right? It’s not easy in the slightest to understand how you feel in your own head without all the background noise that comes with anxiety.

I am tired of trying to understand what is going on in my head at the moment, tired of worrying that I will have another breakdown if I allow myself to grieve but that’s exactly what I need to do. I need time to feel grief, to understand it, and to grow out of it. Otherwise, I may as well let myself have another breakdown.

I’m always going to be scared that another breakdown is on the horizon, so why do I let that fear overwhelm me? I’ve had multiple breakdowns in my life because I have been terrified to stand up and talk about them, but now things are different. I have been in long term therapy for over a year and I have been on my current tablets for longer.

To go through a hard time and not have a breakdown is new terrain for me, I should be celebrating the small victory of not being in that dark place after another horrible setback. Why can’t I? Am I that scared to feel just in case I go back to that horrible place? Or am I scared to let myself feel everything?

I don’t have the answers, but I’m sure with plenty of time and space I can get them.

Thanks for reading,

Em

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