What’s wrong with me?

This is the question I have been asking myself for a very long time, I make progress and then fail at the final hurdle and all that effort I have put in evaporates. I have run straight back into the arms of the Titan I have wrestled against my entire life and its name is Anxiety. Will I ever get better? Am I just too damaged to get through the endless battles?

Right now I would say yes, but it’s a crazy time of the year, from the middle of November I have dealt with the anniversary reaction and holiday grief, right now it just feels like I am in an endless cycle of poor mental health. It is so prevalent that I just sit in a fog of my own creation, not really present in the now.

I know I can feel better, that I will eventually feel better, but that’s really hard to acknowledge when you are feeling like this. I don’t know when I will be better, if I’ll ever get better, all I can feel is this hopelessness. The disconnected feeling that everyone around me knows how to manage their feelings but I don’t.

I understand this is nonsense, I know for a fact I’m not the only person suffering but Anxiety tricks us into thinking that we are all alone. No one could possibly help or understand the mess that is my head, but they can, I just need to be better at asking for help. Now I stand in front of you a broken shell of a woman, cradling grief and mental illness… Help!

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