Happy Christmas Eve Eve as Pheobe would say, that time of year is almost upon us and I’m counting down the days until its over. I’ve wrapped all my presents, I’ve put up my decorations, and I have finally gotten the cards done. I didn’t want to do any of it, but my house is a sparkle of tinsel and fairy lights.

This year would have always been hard when you think of you’re lost children and the potential of what could have been. The older child who would know the big secret, the toddler who would be hatching a plan with the cat to pull down the tree, and the little one growing in my belly. It all seems perfect in my mind, but that’s not the picture that has been painted for me.

Instead, I have another Christmas going by with no children, those little cherubs the holiday is built around. When you get older you understand this, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a great life. I have the most amazing other half who I met at a very young age and we’ve been together forever, I have friends in my life, I am part of the best community, and I have a family.

I am better off this Christmas than I have ever been, I am spending the day how I want too but yet that feeling of grief just won’t go away. No matter how hard I try, no forced dancing around the living room while singing Christmas songs is going to help me get into the spirit. But that doesn’t mean that I have to feel bad.

If I want to be sad at Christmas I will be sad, no fake smile, I will be sad. I just can’t pretend that everything is ok when it’s really not, and if other people don’t like it then that’ll be on them. It’s time for a different type of Christmas, one where we’re not forced to hide our feelings, and one where we can be happy being sad.

Whatever you do this Christmas, live how you feel.

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