Yesterday I went to visit a local Christmas Market which is held inside a museum, as it has been a very rainy few days here I thought it was a good idea to go and for the past few years, I’ve been way too sick to do anything like this. It is very pretty and has old shop fronts, it was an incredibly festive experience.
I forced myself to do it this year and put it on my personal bucket list, I knew it would be hard but I had absolutely no idea that it would have taken everything out of me. It was beautiful and festive but trying to take my mind off things didn’t work because of there where children everywhere I went.
Yes, it does have rides for kids but I was always surrounded by babies and toddlers, as I watched a cute as buttons toddler want to walk by herself I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and that empty feeling that comes in grief. I soldiered on through crowds of babies and small children, I even tried to avoid them but they were everywhere.
All I could think about was, “I don’t have that,” I’m even envious of the tiredness that comes with children, and I feel like an absolute monster as I write this. I sound like I hate children but I don’t, I want kids so much that it is literally hurting me to be around them. I have no problem with them being there it was me who should have stayed at home.
I’m clearly not ready to be put in that situation, which hurts because I love doing these types of things at the holidays. I’m not saying I can’t take seeing children outdoors but I can’t take being surrounded by that many infant children without feeling horrible about myself. It’s not helping me to move forward.
I’m sure there will come a time when it will be possible, I am happy I did it because it made me come to the resolution that I need to take time and I need to focus on the grief I have been quickly trying to move past. This process takes time, of course being surrounded by babies is going to bring stuff up, and that’s ok.
One positive thing about the experience was that I got through it, I stuck with it, and I carried on browsing stalls. If I can be proud of anything it’s that I never let my emotions take over me, I managed to hold it together until a few hours later when I was back home, and I just kept going even though I felt horrible.
It was especially beautiful though…