Today marks the start of a very hard month for me, December is all about family, to the point that I see it everywhere. Friends and Family with there children go out and celebrate, and I just feel like the unlucky hag who ruins the fun for everyone else. The spurned who doesn’t yet have the privilege of having her own children, and brings everyone down with my grief.
As I write this I burst into tears as I think of what I could have had, but I don’t have it, and I might not ever have it. If it can’t happen for me what adoption company is going to give a baby to a mother with mental health problems? December already has me questioning everything, so you know it’s going to be a hard month.
This cookie cutter family time of everything being perfect, everyone getting along, is not something anyone can live up to. Nevermind those of us having a really hard time with this time of the year, I pledge to show the truth, those moments that are hard and those bumps in the road I have yet to have.
Looking perfect is not what this time of year is about, it is hurting me already as I see everyone with the perfect decorations and the perfectly wrapped presents. It just makes me feel bad because I’m not perfect and I’m having a hard time, I can’t put on the smile and pretend that I’m ok because I’m really not.
The holiday season is not about looking perfect, its about being kind to others, helping out the less fortunate, and remembering those loved ones who aren’t with us. About taking the time to look after those in need, visiting those people who don’t have anyone to visit them, or taking the time to look up old friends.
This is my pledge for December because real people are hurting this time of year and I want to show that its ok to not be ok.