For weeks I have been trying to write this post, I only manage to just get through it and then I delete everything in its entirety. I didn’t understand why it would be so hard to speak about, I speak about a lot of topics that would be considered harder to talk about, but then I realised it was because I was ashamed of backsliding.
I have been doing so well recently, taking the steps to tackle my traumas, and I just didn’t want to admit that I had let myself down. I was going back to old habits, not taking care of myself as I usually would, and becoming withdrawn. I became scared to comment on any other blogs or anyone going through a hard time on Twitter because I’d forgotten how to help people having a bad day.
I’d forgotten everything I had done to get better, I was just back in that fog-ridden place, where I couldn’t see a way out. Trauma came at me hard, I was doing so well at controlling my flashbacks and then it all just flooded my system. I couldn’t understand why it was happening, I couldn’t ask for help, and even when I understood what was causing it I still blamed myself.
The Anniversary reaction is no joke, even now I can still feel it lurking, as I wait until it passes. It sneaks up on you when the weather changes, and before you know what’s happened you have been taken back to that deep dark place where even breathing becomes a struggle. It’s really hard to admit you need help.
I needed help since the beginning of November and I still haven’t asked anyone for it. I spoke to my therapist but deflected, I spoke to my other half but made it sound as if it would pass, and I’ve spoken to a friend but still haven’t asked for help. It’s really hard to ask for help, to reach out and say, “I am not ok.”
I felt like I’ve failed, all because I needed to ask for help again, but isn’t that what life is? Should I really be this hard on myself for needing a hand?