Right now I have no motivation to do anything, I am forcing myself to write this right now as I do not think I have the energy to even get through this post. You may have noticed I haven’t been posting as much as I usually do, that is because of the voice in my head that is drowning out every other thought.
I feel like I don’t matter, who wants to hear my ramblings when I don’t even want to acknowledge them? I don’t want to think about the grey cloud that is seeping the life out of me, I don’t want to acknowledge that because of the anniversary I have reverted back to that place. It’s understandable as I’ve been pushing myself lately, but I just feel that now I’ve let everyone down.
It’s my constant reminder that mental health is taking a few steps forward and then taking ten steps back, those little steps mean so much to me that it’s hard to fall so far behind them. These past few months have meant so much to me from taking part in the blogtober challenge to taking time for myself after my third miscarriage and not having another breakdown.
I’ve managed my feelings in a very healthy way, I understand that it wasn’t my fault and something else must be at play. I’ve gone for a walk outside alone, I’ve visited a friend, and I went to a busy college to help out that friend. I got into a taxi on my own, I’ve spoken to and supported so many people who are going through hard times.
But now I have slipped right back to how I felt during my breakdown, I fight so hard every day to get up from my bed, my flashbacks went from mostly blurry images and the emotions I felt at the time to 4k eighty frames per second. My life was not perfect before, I still had a lot of trouble going out but now I can’t even go out with another person.
I feel like I’ve failed, I know this is only temporary and I will get back to my fighting self in no time but I can still feel like this. My brain is telling me that I can’t possibly get back there, no matter how hard I try to stay positive it is slowly starting to get to me. Right now all I feel is doom and gloom, and that needs to be ok.