To the child I lost two years ago.

There is not one day that I do not think about you, I wonder if you’d be trying to put full sentences together and if you look like me or your dad. When you left I was so broken, I thought I wasn’t ever going to come up for air again, that pain hasn’t really left me, but I am getting better. I’m sorry I cannot see you, I’m sorry I never got to hold you and more than anything I want you here with me.

But you’re not here, I want you to be here always, but I cannot wallow, I lost your sibling this year too, and one a very long time ago. I want to cry from the rooftops that I lost you all, I want to be with you three, but I can’t. I have to get on with my life, however sad that may be, but I need to live.

I miss you, I loved being your mum for the seven and a half weeks I carried you, today you will be remembered, every day you will be remembered but I can’t hold onto the pain of losing you or your siblings. I have to break free of the weight I carry around me, just because I smile doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you.

I could never forget you, but I want to focus on those happy moments we had together, the day we found out we were having you, and when we took a little trip together. I want to remember every time we spoke about you, our hopes and dreams for you, and what names we could think of to give you.

Talking to you about everything besides the elephant in the room, I was so afraid of miscarriage after we went through it seven years before we miscarried you. I named you my peanut, I loved you from the moment I knew we were having you, and I was so excited to be your mum. Despite everything, I still am your mum.

I will look back on our time together as a cherished memory that I will hold close to my heart, and then you will always be with me.

I miss you Peanut.



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