My first reaction would be no, I’m not trying to get pity or attention by saying this, this is what I truly believe. It could just be the anxiety but it’s not, I’ve always felt worthless, and I have always believed I do not deserve anything else. At times I could blame my Mother, my rapist, or my abuser, but I have always felt this way.
They did unspeakable things to me in my life, chipped away at any self-esteem I had left, but I have always felt unworthy. Is it because I am a woman who was raised in a very misogynistic religion and went to Catholic school? I don’t think it is, I can remember feeling this way all my life, so what is it?
It’s Me, Em makes herself feel this way, and is now talking about herself in the third person. I make myself feel worthless, it’s not the trauma, it’s me. I am the person who is hard on myself, putting myself down at every turn, and trying to hinder my every move. Anxiety plays a big part, I am under no delusions to that, but it is me.
I am so tired of being my inner critic, I am so tired of waiting on that hatred to dissipate as if a magic switch could undo the damage I’ve caused. There is no cure, the only thing I can do is be nice to myself, which makes my stomach churn. Imagine giving compliments to the person you hate the most in this world, yeah you feel sick right?
But it’s the only thing I can do, I try to imagine what I would try to say to all of you who are going through a hard time, and I say it to myself.
- You are so strong.
- You know that you are so brave.
- You are doing so well.
- Don’t dare talk about my friend that way.
- I am so inspired by you.
- I am here for you.
- You are a warrior.
- You are worthy!
But when I say it to myself I am lying, because I do not feel any of these things to myself.