Running on empty…

Today it feels like my brain is just running on empty, I am so terribly tired and I have a hunch it is to do with blogtober. You see I have been basically grieving as I’ve been taking part, it has been so great to share my feelings about what has just happened to me and everything I was going through at the time, but now my brain is so tired.

It feels like I’ve been studying for an exam for thirty-one days with no breaks, it was all I could think about at the time, so as much as it did help to talk it through it also worked as a distraction. Distractions can be really good for your mental health but what they do not help with is grieving, they distract from feelings that need to be dealt with, if not managed properly that energy can grow more powerful.

This Halloween I was going to announce my pregnancy, but instead, I was patting myself on the back for completing a challenge. I completely forgot about this silly little thing that I was thinking about doing before my miscarriage, then the guilt started to bubble up inside, and I completely lashed out about a tiny little thing I just learned.

I was not angry at anyone else but myself, I broke down in tears but those tears weren’t for that thing someone had told me, they were for the third baby I lost in September. I cannot stop pushing myself to get past everything, this process can take forever and I know it can but I keep making the same little mistakes.

Some days I feel so ready to move forward and laugh at certain things, other days I could break down and cry like it just happened, and both of these are ok.

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