Behind every action grief is underneath it all, some days I feel absolutely great and I think I’ve broken through. But grief is lying in wait, underneath all the happiness, it only takes something small to bring it out and then I feel like I am back in that room being told there is no baby. Hope is such a fickle thing, I don’t have any hope at all, it evaporated a long time ago.
Some days I don’t think I can go on, that pull inside of me is no longer here, I get bogged down by life and I can’t quite see clearly. Some days I don’t feel sad at all, but the guilt after it makes me feel small, how can I be happy? I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that I must feel every inch of it.
If I push it down it will just get worse and never end, so at this moment, on this day, all I want to feel is sadness. I want to cry my eyes out, I want to sit on the floor and stare into nothingness, to feel everything how it should be. No distractions, no trying to take my mind off of it, I need to feel it today.
You may think this couldn’t be healthy, you may be right, but I can’t pretend to feel fine, I can’t pretend to feel happy, all I can do is show how I feel. The ultimate sadness that is in my soul, a mother with no children, a woman who can’t carry her children, and who must go in with this knowledge.
Today is not a good day.
Broken pieces inside,
Today you cannot hide,
Like a hurricane is in my path,
I feel it’s God-forsaken wrath.
The world will see what you feel,
As you cry and squeal,
The days turn into years,
As you live with all your fears.
I’m too tired to move on,
I think no one will care when I am gone,
The girl who ruins everything,
She also tends to cling.
Friends getaway as fast as they can,
She sees her own bogeyman,
Why stick around to see someone fall,
When she means nothing at all.