I went outside!

I really didn’t want to go, I was really quiet on the way to the shops, didn’t want to gab with my Dad like I usually do, but I did it. I am feeling pretty agoraphobic right now, outside causes a lot of my problems but I didn’t keep my head in my phone as I always do, forcing myself to look at all the many beautiful colours that come with Autumn.

My body was clenched the entire way and for most of my shopping journey, as if waiting for a punch, but I still did it. I even managed to get both of us a little sweet treat for tonight as we watch Bake Off, but I forgot a pretty big thing. Now I feel like I total idiot, how could I not remember that we need electricity.

I have a bit of a panic attack when I realise I forgot the key card, but I managed to break through it and get on with my shopping. It was completely empty today, no massive queues, and most of the time when I walked down an aisle no one else was there. It felt as if I was the only shopper in the store.

I hurt my hands with the trolley when a child knocked over a display, I could not offer eye contact to anyone at all, but I managed it all just fine. I had to force myself out of the house as I hadn’t been food shopping in two weeks, I kept seeing myself surrounded by people, or running into people I know (even if I was shopping a few towns away).

I feel stupid for letting my illness control me in this way, nothing even remotely bad happened, I forgot one thing, most of the time I forget multiple things, especially when I’m feeling rather anxious. Yes I’ll have to go back out to get electricity at some point in the near future but I don’t have to do it all today.

The rest of the day will be focused on cleaning, watching tv, and eventually changing into comfy jammies.

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