I suppose that’s been my way in life for so long, expect the worst then you’ll never be disappointed. It’s not like I can’t hope for the things I want in life but the worst is always niggling in the back of my brain. Hear a noise during the night, oh no someone’s coming to kill us, the phone rings, oh no something bad has happened.
My anxiety has tricked me into doing this, by making me feel as if nothing bad will happen if I expect the worst, it has become almost a suspicion. When something good happens I expect something else to go wrong, then when it does not happen I somehow am able to vindicate my anxiety as it seems to know how to control my life.
But life doesn’t work like that, maybe nothing bad happened because I wasn’t able to go outside or interact with anyone after a hard break in life. As I wrote that I actually got an oh no feeling as if acknowledging it will make something bad happen, but I know that I cannot live my life like this anymore.
I want to see the best in life, wake up next to the ocean, and enjoy as the light frost starts to grow outside. Jump in the leaves outside throwing them over myself and remember a time when I was fearless. I want to live in the moment, watch the fireworks without jumping, and climb mountains.
I want to be the fearless girl I was who feel off a tree but I still got up and climbed it. I took Joan as my confirmation name after Joan of Arc because I wanted to lead like her, never die as she did but that woman was a leader and a warrior. I remember reading up about Saints to choose a name, and every woman I found was just a small part of a bigger story until I found Joan.
I didn’t care that my friends thought she wasn’t pretty, I didn’t care that my parents seemed to shriek at the notion of my choice being an actual soldier who was ahead of her time and burned at the stake for it. I was totally fearless in my efforts, there was nothing that my brother couldn’t do that I wouldn’t master, not because of a gender bias but sibling rivalry.
I hope one day I can become that girl again, and always get back up after a nasty fall.