I always feel like a failure

It’s hard to put this in words because its always in my head but I feel like a failure, I have a great idea and entire structure for a novel but I can’t seem to start it, I have the option of having friends but I can’t seem to reach out, I have the option to get married but I’m terrified of being surrounded by people, and I write on this blog but I think everything I write is garbage.

I have entirely no confidence if someone gives me a compliment I am certain that they are just being polite, although the abused soul inside of me thinks that they are doing it because they want something which is in itself a horrible way to be thinking. I could blame it all on the way I was raised but it’s much bigger than that.

I think everyone I’ve ever met in real life or online is a million times better at [insert random thing here] than I could ever hope to be because I think I am the worst person on the planet, no that voice inside of me knows I am. Throughout my life, I have never thought anyone could ever love me or even be proud because I’ve never felt these things for myself.

I know that other people would be better off without me, not having to deal with someone who is so horribly damaged and snaps at those she loves. I can be stubborn to a point where I am never ever going to ask anyone for help, I know others will help me but I am certain that it will change their opinion of me, and no one will like me when they know.

If a person who follows me online makes an offhand comment about someone I believe it is me, to the point where I start to get sicker worrying about what I did, I understand that it’s probably never ever about me but that voice in my head is a trickster. It convinces me everyone is talking about me behind my back and makes it hard to open up to others.

Recently I’ve been trying really hard to love myself, even just a little bit, but it’s much harder than it seems. I’ve had an entire life to make up for, I give my inner child hugs but the negative voice in my head never leaves. It is there to put down every triumph, to reinforce every failure and is the loudest person in the room.

It reminds me of an episode of Red Dwarf (my better half loves the show and would constantly make me watch it) about confidence and paranoia, the main crew member Lister gets some weird space flu and his confidence and paranoia manifest themselves into physical beings. My only problem is my confidence is that bury away my paranoia would look like a giant in comparison.

It feels like I’ve let my anxiety run my life for too long, that I can no longer live a life without it, and I feel horrible that I didn’t go for help sooner. With every decision it gets louder, with every action it manifests itself, am I ever going to get better?

8 thoughts on “I always feel like a failure

  1. You don’t just wake up one morning and you feel better. You work through. You sort your feelings and determine where the problem is, where it seems lacking.
    My advice to you is that no one will make you feel better, it’s your responsibility. You are your won healer, savior, warrior, and even you are you are own lover. You just have to know what you want for yourself, and work through.
    Life is hard, it’s brutal, but unless you don’t celebrate the little victory that you have, then you will always lament how unfair is. Change how you see the world and you’ll change how you live in it.
    Believe in yourself and you’ll how much greater things you are capable.

    I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Omg I’m just like this. I totally lack confidence and experience imposter syndrome. I am trying very hard to not hate myself, as hating myself is my normal pattern. When I write self-love/self-esteem/self-compassion posts that are about being proud of myself etc, it is only because I’m trying to convince myself of those kinder ways of viewing myself. It doesn’t come natural. Therapy does help…but realistically it takes a long time to undo those ingrained patterns. I always assume people’s negative posts are about me too…But I try and break that paranoid cycle as much as possible. It *can* be done. Things will get better 🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah I know, it’s hard to break the cycle of paranoia. It’s absolutely complete nonsense in my head the majority of the time, its just blocking it out I’m having trouble with. I’m taking my therapists advice, I blush every time she gives me a compliment like a school child, but I know I’ll get to the point when I start to believe her. You should be proud of urself and you are a compassionate and all around great human. 🤗💗☺

      Like

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