It’s hard to put this in words because its always in my head but I feel like a failure, I have a great idea and entire structure for a novel but I can’t seem to start it, I have the option of having friends but I can’t seem to reach out, I have the option to get married but I’m terrified of being surrounded by people, and I write on this blog but I think everything I write is garbage.
I have entirely no confidence if someone gives me a compliment I am certain that they are just being polite, although the abused soul inside of me thinks that they are doing it because they want something which is in itself a horrible way to be thinking. I could blame it all on the way I was raised but it’s much bigger than that.
I think everyone I’ve ever met in real life or online is a million times better at [insert random thing here] than I could ever hope to be because I think I am the worst person on the planet, no that voice inside of me knows I am. Throughout my life, I have never thought anyone could ever love me or even be proud because I’ve never felt these things for myself.
I know that other people would be better off without me, not having to deal with someone who is so horribly damaged and snaps at those she loves. I can be stubborn to a point where I am never ever going to ask anyone for help, I know others will help me but I am certain that it will change their opinion of me, and no one will like me when they know.
If a person who follows me online makes an offhand comment about someone I believe it is me, to the point where I start to get sicker worrying about what I did, I understand that it’s probably never ever about me but that voice in my head is a trickster. It convinces me everyone is talking about me behind my back and makes it hard to open up to others.
Recently I’ve been trying really hard to love myself, even just a little bit, but it’s much harder than it seems. I’ve had an entire life to make up for, I give my inner child hugs but the negative voice in my head never leaves. It is there to put down every triumph, to reinforce every failure and is the loudest person in the room.
It reminds me of an episode of Red Dwarf (my better half loves the show and would constantly make me watch it) about confidence and paranoia, the main crew member Lister gets some weird space flu and his confidence and paranoia manifest themselves into physical beings. My only problem is my confidence is that bury away my paranoia would look like a giant in comparison.
It feels like I’ve let my anxiety run my life for too long, that I can no longer live a life without it, and I feel horrible that I didn’t go for help sooner. With every decision it gets louder, with every action it manifests itself, am I ever going to get better?