It will always feel different.

It could never be the way it was before, how could it? Losing hopes, dreams, and plans for your baby will always hurt. For me I lost three of my beautiful children, they did not develop beyond six-eight weeks of pregnancy but they were beautiful to me. I lost my motherhood, I felt less of a woman because we’re meant to carry our babies, and I couldn’t even do that.

I see my children in my mind, I dream of a boy and two girls playing around each other, the oldest would be almost ten but be kind enough to play with her much younger siblings. But those are just dreams, they are in my mind, and those images can never leave me; I would never want them too.

I will always be different, I was a kind and empathetic person before my miscarriages happened, but now I have gone beyond that. Friends talk about people behind there backs or question when a friend is acting strangely, I go to that friend and ask them if they are ok. I don’t try and explain other peoples behaviour with gossip.

I will always be more understanding and have a kind word for those people in my life (even the ones who hurt me and pushed me out of their life) because I’m different. I will always occasionally tear up out of nowhere as the grief fills me up, I will never harden out of grief, or bury my own feelings deep down anymore.

Life is different now, I could never go back to the way that I was before, and I would never want to. I do not want to go back, I would never go back in time and try to change what happened; because it shaped me into the person I am today. I would have those babies in a moment, but I would never want to go back and stop myself getting pregnant.

I am a better person for going through it, we are a stronger couple for facing hardship, and we are better for grieving. I want my pregnancies to have gone on without a hiccup, I want answers for why it keeps happening, but life doesn’t work that way. I will always feel different, I will always be different, and I have become a better person for it.

I miss my beautiful children, but they will always stay with me in this life and the next.

My therapist asked me if I could have my children anywhere where would they be? This was my answer, they would be in my heart, attached to me forever, the three little lights of my life.

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