My First Miscarriage

Trigger Warning – Miscarriage

Today marks Miscarriage and Baby loss Awareness Week, I thought I would write about each of my miscarriages separately in order to raise awareness on this issue, coincidently I had an appointment with the doctor today about our options going forward and will talk about it in the next few days.

Almost ten years ago I went for a routine scan, I was having some pain in that region and it was just to look at what was causing the problem. When I was getting scanned it was a few days before my cycle would begin and the nurse said the following thing to me.

“You know you could have a cyst and be pregnant at the same time.”

This is a strange thing to say to someone when you are looking in that exact area, but I got on with everything none the less. Almost a week later my cycle still hadn’t begun, so I took a pregnancy test just to be safe, it came up negative.

I did as the doctor suggested waiting two days until testing again and got on with it. The second test came back positive, we had only moved into together less than six months before, we weren’t trying for a baby but we would have continued with the pregnancy none the less.

A few days later I started bleeding, very lightly, the doctor said it was nothing to worry about. Then on a visit to my parent’s house I clutched over on the living room floor in pain, I knew I had a cyst and was told by the midwife that this may happen, and when I went to the bathroom there was a blood clot.

We booked an appointment for a few days later, the pain was gone, I had no more bleeding, and we just went on with our lives. On the phone, the midwife told me I’d be having an internal scan as it seemed way too early for anything to show up.

Back then I was nervous about this kind of stuff in front of my better half, so on my orders, he waited outside and I went in. I think of how stupid I was for being this way, especially after all we’ve now been through, but I’m extremely shy when it comes to that stuff and at that point in our relationship I couldn’t even go to the bathroom for anything other than a pee when he was home.

In the room I spoke to the midwife about my situation, she filled out the forums and went out to get another midwife to be present for the internal scan. No baby was found, they both offered me calm advice, I had two pregnancy test and although false positives are rare it doesn’t mean that I was pregnant.

I’d had a cyst, it could have lifted my hormones up to a level which would give a false positive, she told me if I had any problems with a future pregnancy or was worried about it that I could have an early scan next time.

I went out to break the news, we went home, I cried, but I knew I was still too young for a baby so we just moved passed it as best we could. It was tough, I felt like I didn’t know what had happened but I just got on with it and tried to get it out of my head.

To this day that miscarriage is not confirmed but looking back on it I know now that I was pregnant, I had pregnancy-related symptoms which I also had in my next two pregnancies, and almost the exact same thing happened to me just under a month ago.

Miscarriage is never ever what it seems to be sometimes, for me it’s been a constant that has hung over me since I went to that first scan almost ten years ago, and now has me wondering if it might have happened every time I’ve been late.

Maybe my cycle isn’t all over the place sometimes, maybe it’s just me.

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