“She gave me life by taking away the life I had to give,” – Me just now.
Trigger warning for Miscarriage
I’ve spoken about why it’s very hard to talk my second Miscarriage here, but if you don’t know it caused Trauma and I nearly died. The quote above just popped into my head as I was trying to get back to sleep after being awoken by the cat that wanted a cuddle. My anxieties about another matter have once again been keeping me up and today I am exhausted in a very different way than I was yesterday.
As a woman I’m expected to give life, it’s part of who I am, so what does it mean when I can’t sustain life? I would have happily died if it meant our baby would survive, but I lived. I live knowing for an absolute certainty that I am willing to die for any child inside me, regardless of what it would do to the people I left behind.
It scares the hell out of me, that I could leave the people I love, and it scares me much more than I know it could happen again. If it did and I knew we would both die if I stayed in bed or I’d have another miscarriage when I went to the hospital, could I actually get out of bed? It’s a hard thing for me to think of but I think it’s important to talk about it.
I’m not suicidal or anything, I’ve been in that place and I have no wish to die. As much as my mental health is suffering I could never leave the ones I love behind to pick up the pieces alone, I’m just exhausted right now, everything is piling up at once and I feel as if I’m going to burst with the thoughts running about in my head.
It’s better to get them out and question them because writing about them takes away the power they have, I can analyse how I feel and come to a better conclusion. I now understand that these thoughts inside me don’t matter, the trauma I suffered may never happen again, and I’m triggering about going to see the doctor for help sustaining life.
Medication, therapy, writing, my three lifesavers.