I just can’t seem to stop thinking, what’s annoying is that the coping tools I use have been decimated by my anxiety recently, then I stay up to three in the morning obsessing about whatever the hell thought caused a cataclysmic barrage of them. I’m not saying I’m not used to it, Anxiety has been feeding off of me my entire life, I try to think of the first time I felt this, but it’s very hazy.
I know I was in Primary school or nursery as they were both in the same building, but I’m pretty sure I was wearing my school uniform, and I saw the world from the vantage point of a 3-5-year-old. I don’t know what happened but I felt very scared and was running as quickly as I could, this memory is also the first one I see before a flashback.
It’s like the twisted preview before the main event, not anywhere near as graphic but still pretty horrifying. It ends up haunting me more though afterwards because I don’t even know if it’s a memory or just psychosis. It sort of resembles Silent Hill, where everything just seems to be foggy, and it is very grainy.
It scares me every time I see it, I feel the same panic I did before, I’m so afraid of what I’m running from but I have no idea what it is. I have tried to just go with it, there is nothing I can do about the flashback, and I do know that it will pass. It still scares the living hell out of me though, and a small part of me is curious to see what I’m running from.
It could be that I think it would help me to know once and for all what event made me anxious, but I know deep down that it won’t. It’ll just make my mental health worse off in the long run. You might think I’m giving it too much power over me, and you’d be right, I cannot let my trauma get to me in this way.
By being scared of the memory I’m letting the memory scar me over again, but right now I just can’t feel anything but scared.