I don’t usually post during the middle of the night, last week all I did was sleep, but for the past two nights I’ve tossed and turned with the best them. I just seem to have so much overwhelming stuff going on right now, I’m staring down the barrel of grief, I’m recovering from a traumatic event I had a year and a half ago, I’ve been given a date for a tribunal against my PIP decision which has, in turn, caused money issues, and I’ve reported my landlord for the poor state of repair that this house has given me.
Right now it feels like it would be easier to tell what I’m not worried about!
But the two main causes for my lack of sleep are my estranged family member and receiving and replying to messages from other family members about my recent miscarriage. Most people now know, it’s keeping me awake at night, and it has no reason too. I’ve had nothing but touching messages, thoughts, hugs, and support but I’m afraid to be this open on social media.
Here I can talk about anything, I could receive terrible soul-crushing feedback that would hurt, but it would never keep me up. The people that have been sending me messages actually know me, and the thought that one of them could say the wrong thing is still too raw. I’ve had some experiences when it comes to this as you probably know but if you don’t it won’t take you long to find a reason why.
I have many reasons to feel scared, but my biggest fear is that I’ll get hurt again, as I always tend to do. I understand this is my issue, the people sending me messages are just trying to let me know they care about me, and there is definitely nothing to state otherwise. It’s hard for me to let other people in, ask for help, or be around people, but it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t.
Not everyone is going to hurt me, I’ve hurt myself more in the long term by walking away from groups of friends just because one of them hurt me, but I am still petrified that it will happen again and I’ll get hurt. I am sure deep inside me I know that I am worthy of friendship, worthy to ask for help, but the fear has a tight grip.
Now moving onto my estranged family member, now they lied about me to another family member, it wasn’t a big lie and to tell the truth I wasn’t too bothered about it, this caused an issue between me and the other family member which after a year was resolved. I still spoke to the now estranged family member, even going to visit them on holidays, and just got on with it.
It was a stupid lie to get out of a stupid thing, I understand it was easier for the estranged family member to do this, and it wasn’t out of this certain persons’ character. Then I had my second miscarriage, the trauma that went with it, and I gave this person a long time to contact me before I blocked her.
My second miscarriage was right next to a certain family holiday, and I was regifted with what I gave this person the previous year. Now I understand in these economic times that regifting is sometimes a necessity, but there are rules and they had also been broken the year before. This time, however, I wasn’t just going through a loss but a trauma, coupled with the fact that they still hadn’t spoken to me after many weeks, and I was done.
I’d had enough of this persons’ lying, silence, and general approach to me. I understood I was in a very unstable place, that I would have to occasionally see this person, but I just couldn’t take it anymore and I decided that I would ignore any messages I received. Cue six months later, still no message, not even through the mail.
I got on with my life, smiled when I had to be near this person but generally got on with things, eventually started seeing a therapist and being put on the right concoction of medication. This is when I decided to cut this person completely out of my life, I had done enough questioning, wondering, and anything that hurt me had to go.
It went, life went on, and I went with it. Last week I told my family about the third miscarriage, two days I go I receive a message from my estranged family member, about the details of their wedding that’s happening in a few months. They needed to know if I was going, no hello how are you, or anything else just wedding details.
I suppose this post is a way for me to ask, “What the actual fuck is happening?” Am I now in a parallel dimension where everything else is fine between us or was it all just a dream? How am I meant to reply to that? I’m really asking!