Am I a Robot?

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I’ve been so tired for the last week, the grief has come and won’t budge, I feel like a robot because I can’t cry. It’s been a week since I managed to cry, at times all I want to do is cry, but I can’t. My eyes start to fill up with tears but they won’t come, they just disappear back into the black void, and I begin to feel pretty guilty.

“You’re a monster,” my anxiety chips in, “a heartless monster,” and I begin to spiral. Last time I cried every day for weeks, this time I can’t even produce one tear. “You must not have loved this one,” anxiety is still here, “you’re just like your mother,” she never loved me and she definitely never cried over me (unless she was trying to guilt me).

I just want to go back to bed, stay there forever, and turn straight into dust. I’m broken, tired of being broken, and tired of not knowing how to cope. Am I a lost cause? Have I been fighting for so long that it isn’t even worth it? Will I ever get better? I still can’t even go out and be around people. What kind of life am I actually living?

I’ve been tired for so long, I make slow progress, and I don’t think I’m ever going to get better. The abuse has just followed me into every aspect of my life, do I even know who I am without it? Can I ever get back to the girl I was before my mother started hitting me? Could I even get back to the girl I was before he abused me?

I think I’m just going to be stuck living this half-life forever, afraid of other people, afraid of noises, and afraid of the dark. I am seriously lacking in hope right now, I keep telling myself that I’ll be ok, but the voice gets drowned out by depression and anxiety. I’m isolated from anyone else but petrified to do anything about it.

Can I just stay here forever?

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