Trigger Warning: Miscarriage
Thursday 6th of September
It’s my birthday week so with it comes an amount of stress like no other, I have to be around people, I have to reply to the old friends and acquaintances that post on facebook for the first time since my last birthday. I have to go outside which is in itself a trigger, and I generally end the day doing what I wanted to do since I woke up, curl up on the couch under a blanket, rest my head on my pillows, and eat cake.
This week came with added pressure, to explain I have to tell the story of my second miscarriage, over a year ago we decided to try and get pregnant. Within three months I was pregnant and glowing, I’d been on vacation right before I found out so I was extremely calm, I’d worked hard to get to that mental state, although the anxiety never truly left me.
At seven weeks I miscarried, my partner had just left to go to work as I went to the bathroom, a few moments later I ran downstairs to get my phone, he came straight back to greet me on the toilet as I passed the mucus plug. We went to the hospital, the doctor assured us I would most likely be ok, to him it sounded as though I strained too hard during a bowel moment, so we went back home to wait it out.
Late that night I awoke with the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and went to the toilet, I’ve never felt anything like it before, as I called the emergency number the doctor had given me earlier, the midwife was so lovely, and her calming voice really got me through that phone call. We went straight to the hospital, I was losing fluids quicker than I could get them in.
I was dehydrated, I had a terrible fever, but I was determined to get to the ward as fast as I could; even taking a set of stairs as it would be quicker than waiting for the lift. I had to get there soon, it was never to save me, as far as I was concerned the baby needed help and I had to be strong. That was my first and last act of motherhood as we lost the baby, my dehydration had gone, my fever broke, and we’d lost that little light.
Fast forward a few months ago, we decided to try again, after a long consultation with my doctor and my therapist I decided to stay on my tablets. We decided that it would be better now as I am in currently in long-term therapy and in a good place with my tablets, and I got tests done after my second miscarriage which showed everything to be normal. I took my prescription of folic acid, and off we went. Then my partner had to go work away on a two-month job, it was the worst timing but we tried when we could.
Our last try he was here for all of my cycle, which made me so happy, and we tried. Now I’m two weeks late and I don’t know if I’m pregnant yet, all because my anxiety can mess it all up, so I took my doctors advice and waited two weeks. That is today, last night I started spotting, I have many pregnancy symptoms, in fact, I’ve had every symptom, and now I find myself spotting while waiting on another test.
The thing I’m most scared of could be happening and I have to wait until I have confirmation to get checked. Just sitting on this couch staring at the clock hoping it’ll hit three o’clock, I desperately want a child, I have so much love to give, but I now want a negative result just in case I have to repeat the worst day of my life.
My head is an anchor, pulling me down.
Sunday 9th of September
I didn’t want to leave you wondering so I’ve posted this later in order to share the outcome, I’m pregnant and I have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we’re ok.
I obviously cannot post this right now, I don’t want anyone to know after last time. You can find out with everyone else, and I really hope to post this news just before Halloween.
So yeah I’m pregnant, I’m freaking out, and I’m happy. Like a constant happy freak out where I dunno what’s happening after I passed a blood clot on Friday and why I was bleeding but I’m happy I’m pregnant and I’m trying to stay positive.
Tuesday 11th of September
Yesterday the scan showed no baby, and I had to wait until today for my results. I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage, and I’m heartbroken. I feel defective, I think I’m broken, and I can’t seem to find the answers.
I’m lost, in pain, and tired of not knowing what is happening. I don’t know if anyone will tell me, but something is wrong with me.