The ink has dried from the pen,
It’s happening again,
The leaves have fallen,
And I stumble and fall in.
This will be the third time,
I cannot seem to climb,
I’m not meant to do it,
Should I just submit?
We cannot go on like this,
As we keep seeming to miss,
Maybe it’s too late,
Maybe we should just wait.
There must be a reason,
It could just be the season,
I must be defective,
While the rest seem really effective.
It wasn’t meant to be,
That little she or he,
Go and play with your siblings,
As I fight the urge to jump off a building.
So its been a crazy few days as I got a positive pregnancy test, bleed a little, went for a scan and the midwife found no baby. I had very light bleeding, it was nothing compared to before, and I didn’t have the extreme pain of my second miscarriage.
I went yesterday expecting little pictures, glad I was having an early scan due to my history, and I was extremely happy. The moment I saw her face on my external scan I knew something was wrong, but it was really early so I knew an internal scan would be needed.
During the next scan I couldn’t look at the now two midwives who where looking at the screen, I stared at the ceiling trying not to freak out, and listening to the printer working in the background. This caused a flashback to the last time, and I remember that pictures could be bad.
No baby was found, and we where left for me to change. We held each other for a few minutes wondering what could have happened, I got dressed, and I went to the seat I’d sat in almost two years before. This was when I noticed I was in the same room as before.
I felt like I was living the same bad day over again, as someone who has PTSD flashbacks I can appreciate how that feels, and I received my very own groundhog day. The only difference was that I still don’t know if I miscarried, blood was taken and I’ll know this afternoon.
I’m pretty much positive that I was pregnant, I had pregnancy symptoms for two weeks, and the only reason I waited was because of my anxiety. I have constantly been told that my anxiety affects my cycle and the doctor always recommends I wait two weeks before testing.
I will update you all on the results when I have them, but for me, right now, I have lost baby number three.