The ink has dried from the pen,

It’s happening again,

The leaves have fallen,

And I stumble and fall in.

This will be the third time,

I cannot seem to climb,

I’m not meant to do it,

Should I just submit?

We cannot go on like this,

As we keep seeming to miss,

Maybe it’s too late,

Maybe we should just wait.

There must be a reason,

It could just be the season,

I must be defective,

While the rest seem really effective.

It wasn’t meant to be,

That little she or he,

Go and play with your siblings,

As I fight the urge to jump off a building.

---

So its been a crazy few days as I got a positive pregnancy test, bleed a little, went for a scan and the midwife found no baby. I had very light bleeding, it was nothing compared to before, and I didn’t have the extreme pain of my second miscarriage.

I went yesterday expecting little pictures, glad I was having an early scan due to my history, and I was extremely happy. The moment I saw her face on my external scan I knew something was wrong, but it was really early so I knew an internal scan would be needed.

During the next scan I couldn’t look at the now two midwives who where looking at the screen, I stared at the ceiling trying not to freak out, and listening to the printer working in the background. This caused a flashback to the last time, and I remember that pictures could be bad.

No baby was found, and we where left for me to change. We held each other for a few minutes wondering what could have happened, I got dressed, and I went to the seat I’d sat in almost two years before. This was when I noticed I was in the same room as before.

I felt like I was living the same bad day over again, as someone who has PTSD flashbacks I can appreciate how that feels, and I received my very own groundhog day. The only difference was that I still don’t know if I miscarried, blood was taken and I’ll know this afternoon.

I’m pretty much positive that I was pregnant, I had pregnancy symptoms for two weeks, and the only reason I waited was because of my anxiety. I have constantly been told that my anxiety affects my cycle and the doctor always recommends I wait two weeks before testing.

I will update you all on the results when I have them, but for me, right now, I have lost baby number three.